Aug 29, 2009

Thoughts on Infertility

Infertility is a demon. I share this post today, in hopes that you will know you are not alone. Others too have walked this path. Our hope is in God alone. Though the darkness seems to be overwhelming, the truth is that it has already been defeated by our Savior (Jesus). Even in the silence He speaks, though you hear it not. He is saying over and over,
"I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU."
This is taken from my journal -April 12th, 2001. God was in the midst of writing my story, He still is...He wants to write yours too, will you trust Him?

The Prison of a Barren Woman
O' Soul of mine~
Crying out day and night;
Through endless array of years,
Always heavy and deeply dismayed.

Barrenness it has become-
A Barred Prison I dwell in;
Surrounded by prayers, tears and darkness,
No peace for my heart has been found.

Days fly by,
Trying and waiting once more;
Year upon year and prayer upon prayer,
Seeking, knocking, O' where is the Door?

He promised to come, to answer us,
Time gladly contributes it's weight;
Passion only grows, where desire is,
No one around me relates.

I stand an emotional wreck, holding back tears,
Many babies have arrived-none for me;
I smile, bless them, holding control,
Alone again, my heart and soul rend.

I know that I know, for God said long ago,
'A baby will come, here is her name...'
The vision now dim, the silence eternal,
Month after year, barren, the same.

They label it secondary infertility,
Surgery, tests, shots, drugs;
Hopes rise again to be dashed,
My doctor manages a shrug.

'God, are you there?'
What could I have done?
Will this wait never end?
My heart weighs a ton.

Darkness covers my days, I ponder~
How much longer will this devil called Infertility-
direct my thoughts and paths?
I pray for God's hand and tranquility.

My knees bend once again,
My empty arms rise;
The only answer seems to be,
Days lifted in prayerful cries.

God is good and Darkness is fleeting,
I repeat the words, claiming their Truth;
I learn patience and trust along this darkened path,
I'll wait, resting in His love, for it soothes.


Anonymous said...

I love this poem. It echoes my heart. I was crushed years ago when I read the verse in Proverbs that says the barren womb is never satisfied ~ never. It made sense, though. It explains why my heart still aches for a child, even after adoptions. It doesn't lessen the feeling that my children are MINE, it just doesn't take away the hollow, broken, empty feeling of my womb which is broken with a supposedly "easily fixed" brokenness... yet, despite my prayers, my begging, my "deal making", my promises, God does not look upon me in my barrenness and hasn't "remembered" me. Verbage in the Bible can be so disheartening. The more time passes, the more I am reminded of these facts.
One day I was praying/deal-making again and I heard Him speak to my heart about Hannah. I always thought of her husband Elkanah in parallel to my husband ~ always thought he was to represent my husband and I should remember how much he loves me in spite of my barenness. Then the Lord whispered to my heart that Elkanah is the Lord... who blesses me and loves me IN THE MIDST of my barrenness! "Am I not enough? Am I not good to you and bless you in so many other ways?"
I still feel empty, but I try to just forget about it completely. I don't hope anymore ~ I just don't have it in me to hope anymore for a baby. My cycles come and go and I don't cry anymore. No more tears left for infertility, just a gaping nothingness which sits in the pit below my stomach.

julie said...

I have suffered bouts of infertility throughout our marriage. The pain is sometimes hard to explain to those who have not experienced it. I am so happy God has given you your precioius little girl.


mom said...


Sharing your heart as you have will be a great ministry to others!

Tammy ~@~

Greta Jo said...

Please pray for my girlfriend Kelly as she is dealing with Infertility.

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