Dec 21, 2009

A Thought Filled Day

...Times of Reflection...

Swing sets remind me of friendship and laughter...

Playhouses remind me of times of great joy...

My silly dog Hunter, reminds me of faithful companionship...


His eyes tell me he is waiting for me and wants to be with me...
and that he is always right by my side. Always. Without fail, faithful.


Sometimes hard time comes and the winds of life whip in and take your breath away ....

Sometimes cold days keep you inside.
Sometimes those same days make your heart reflect.
Today I find myself without words, and the words I do find aren't words that I want to write.
The words that come to mind sting my heart. Those words, stab at my eyes, as I hold back the salty waters.
Friendships have proven difficult to me. Entering into them I have become cautious. Unfortunately cautious is not a good word to be associated with friendship. It is so hard for me to open myself up, difficult to put myself out there, knowing that so many times before it has brought very real pain.
But then I remember the richness of true friendship; the kind that you can be who God made you to be and it's embraced. The kind where you don't have to question what you should say or how you can make small talk. Honestly, real friends never have to think about those words, "small talk." They move beyond that sphere, into the depths of love and trust. Beyond the outside fence that keeps true friendship from forming. They move to the realm where even in silence there is peace and joy.
Friendship is love, it is commitment, it means giving, it is a willingness to trust, it takes great courage and fortitude, it doesn't quit when life's trials come hard, it opens up to being able to accept in return and it truly isn't for the weak of heart.
So truth be told, yet will I love and yet will I trust.
I guess I still have much to learn in this lesson of friendship. I still find it very difficult to receive, mostly because it makes me more vulnerable to pain, to hurt, to heartache that I have shaken hands with before.
I have taken it again and again to God, prayed through the tears and asked for wisdom as the tears trickled down. Oh, how it seems to be easier to not have a heart, to not care one way or the other. Alas, my blessing is a tender heart and a spirit that is easily inflicted.
So if you find me~ I may walk with a hesitation to my step, be it a slight limp, from past inflicted casualties of friendship, but yet will I seek God who is gladly holding my heart and is gently reminding me that He is a friend like no other. Maybe tomorrow I will open my eyes to the possibility of giving my heart in friendship- today I'll just pray.
Psalm 42:5
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God.
...afterall....prayer is a cry of Hope.

12 comments:

Renata said...

I am so sorry that you have been hurt by someone you called friend. You are right, friendship means trusting & a giving of yourself - I do think that is difficult to do after a painful experience. I hope you do find some beautiful friends who love you completely for who you are. May God be very close to you today.

I have to say your pictures are just beautiful - the snow adds such a "fairytale element" to everything.
God bless you my sweet friend
Renata XO

Dardi said...

True friends are hard to find. I have felt the "sting", I have had the burnout...trying to be what others wanted & trying to please through conforming. Several years ago, Joe & I laid everything down b/c we felt like God has more & wants more for our relationships. I have yet to find the perfect friendship (we humans tend to let each other down like that), but what we have found is that the relationships that have come along are based on being "real". God has brought us a long way from where we go, & I continue to be surprised by where He leads. Along the way, He has blessed me with knowing wonderful, faithful women like you.

Dardi said...

Oops..."from where we were"...probably should have caught that BEFORE I hit "publish" :o)

MommaMindy said...

Even the Lord had only a few very close friends. He had 12 disciples, but one betrayed Him, and only one is recorded as "leaning on His breast" in brotherly intimacy. I have learned that friendships are more about making me more like the Lord Jesus instead of that perfect bonding of hearts that we all long for. I have also learned that I often give more than I receive, it isn't always "equal." Those friendship disappointments cause us to lean on the Lord more and on our husbands more. Both are good. But, we all still yearn for that perfect girlfriend, don't we? :) Until we meet her, we all should just try to BE her.

Saminda said...

Oh Kimmie, those pictures are simply beautiful! The snow is like a fairytale. :)

Friend, I know too well the heart of what you are saying in this post. Yes, I go through seasons feeling it must be easier to walk alone than to walk in friendship with others... I too have been hurt again and again. It is so so hard. Stuart and I lost our closest friends in 2007 after 10 years of friendship = we financed the home next to us so that they and their 4 children could live there in community with us (they had gone through so much that year, emotionally and financially). After a few short months and MUCH conflict/confrontation and horrific, unforeseen stress, they left. And left the debt and house in our name. It then took about 6 months to re-sell - they were very hard days. It has taken years to get over the financial loss (still going actually) but I don't think I'll ever get over the loss of friendship. Yes, we all sinned in that relationship, yes we are all human and all fall short..... but I so wanted to forgive and move on in that relationship. They refused, and rejected us. I miss them terribly despite everything. They were our mentors and our brother and sister. And don't even get me started on the children... they were so dear to us I can't even think about them without crying. I knew them all from birth and was even there for the birth of their 5ht child.

So.... I know. It is SO painful.

Keep reaching out to the Father who adores you, and take little steps in trust and love. That's what I'm trying to do anyway. :) So hard some days. I too am limping. And loving you from afar. :) *Hugs* xoxo

MommaMindy said...

Another blogger had a similar theme today in a poem...she is a gifted writer. I would love you to pop over and see what Jaime has to say....

http://ditchinthekitchen.blogspot.com/2009/12/christs-love-true-love.html

Angel said...

Kimmie, what great pictures. I love the ones with the puppy. We used to have a black lab named Hunter. We had to put him down a few years ago. He was 13!!! Now we have two little Shih Tzus. Big Big Difference.

I know what you mean about friendship. It's so hard to get close to someone. I have a hard time with it because I am just so busy. Between work and kids, I don't really have a lot of time to spend developing friendships. I had a great friend I grew up with, but we moved away and now we both have families that keep us busy. I haven't seen her in a few years. It's sad. I miss the friendship.

Blessings,
Angel

Stephanie said...

I SO wished we lived closer to each other!

I have had lots of burns from past friendships and it makes me hesitant as well.

Jaime Kubik said...

Thank you for your sincere post. It hurts so bad when people we love and trust hurt us, yet it is through these hurts that we seek the only One who can help us. All this brings us closer to God. I truly enjoyed reading your blog and will stop by again. Thank you for visiting mine!

Emily said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. You're such a wonderfully open writer...something I have a hard time doing is letting people see that side of me...the hurting side.

Your pictures are beautiful too!

Jenni said...

I admire your determination to continue to trust...I have the same issues not with friendship but within my own family (extended). Old hurts seem to fester the longest. May we be faithful to allow God to dig deep and root out those black spots so our hearts can be healthy again!

Cathy said...

I love the picture of your dog. It looks like you've been having a snowy winter. We had one day of snow here just after Christmas. We usually get our snow in January, so may we'll still get some.

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