Aug 10, 2010

A Battlefield Going On Here...

Thank you friends for all of your very kind words and your prayers for me.

I have had a rough couple of days.  It all began with the arrival of my book, Friendship for Grown-ups.  I jumped right into reading and did real well, until the halfway point.  Suddenly, the Holy Spirit began to reveal stuff to me.  From this point on I spent 3 days crying and really found myself struggling to keep from crying. 

  Suffice to say, God is working on me through this book.  There is some deep stuff that lies deep beneath the surface that the Holy Spirit has been revealing to me.  A bit painful, I'm a bit numb, but also hopeful that all of this is for my good.  I am waiting for everyone to get their copy, before we begin going through chapter by chapter together. It's not to late for you to order a copy...(Amazon has it for $12 plus shipping).

My computer has been acting up.  We've switched to a new provider, but things are still a bit screwy with blogspot and my gmail account.  Unfortunately my Knight (who also is the computer fixer-guy) is up to his eyeballs at work and isn't able to presently come to my rescue.  Would you keep me in prayer, as on many fronts I am under attack from the enemy.  

I am very thankful to God for all of you and for the few close friends God has given me.  
I know I am blessed. 

Working through things I had thought were long settled, but seems I was very wrong.  I have discovered that I still like me, but only when I am alone.  I don't like me with people.  I don't find it easy to be myself.  I don't know what it means anymore to *be friendly.* I really struggled with why anyone should want to be my friend.  I don't say this to have people pat me on the back or tell me you like me.  I say it to confess that I am struggling.  I am realizing that for many reasons I think I have to perform or *do* or have something valuable to offer, in order to be worthy of having friends (especially the deep kind of friendships I crave). I know I really don't have to do anything, but just be...well, at least I thought I knew this.  Suddenly, everything is wobbly and all is in question.

Please don't think I am crazy, I am just human and have a grieving broken heart.  I lost a friend this year, one of the many who have rejected me over the years, but never-the-less, one that broke my heart in a new place and has left considerable damage.  

I am in the best of places, as I have thrown myself at His feet and am waiting to hear His voice.  Though He has been very, very silent, still I wait for Him to teach me or reteach me what it is this heart needs to know.

And yes, this too shall pass and hopefully;
I will be stronger in my faith because of it all.


Katie said...

Oh Kimmie, just remember you WILL be stronger in your faith. God has purpose in all things, especially our hardships. But he is there all the time right beside us, waiting to take our hand and lift us up. God brings us to our weakest point to show his might. And he is mighty indeed!
In my running, I often seem to repeat the below verse to myself. The first time I did this was during the 2008 State Championship meet. I was tired, in pain, and so very weary. But every time I said this verse and believed with all my heart in the power of our great God, I could feel a physical surge of strength come into me. It was like God literally scooping me up "on wings like eagles." And you know what? That moment of utter weakness has become one of my fondest memories. Just hold strong and he'll empower you with grace!

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

In faith for you, Kimmie,
Katie :)

Shannon- said...


Anonymous said...

Awww, HUGS sweet Kimmie! You are so right to lay it at His feet! I, too, have been rejected by friends and felt that I had to work way too hard to some. Just recently, our church went through a difficult time and I quickly found out the group of people I thought were my friends truly weren't. It hurt. Some days it still hurts but I TRUST that God has a greater plan for me!! I do have a close friend but after 3+ years of calling her my best friend, I still am not hers. I don't think I will ever be. Not sure how I can be a better friend but I crave that so much for myself that I constantly am trying to be. I pray this book will help us both. I love your blog and think you would be a amazing, Godly friend!!

Dardi said...

A few years ago, I lost some friendships within a short period of time & it was painful. It also became a very "quiet" time in my life (kind of like your disconnect with the internet right now). Looking back, I can see that in that time, God needed me to be in that quiet place to learn some things about myself without the influences of others. He also needed me to see that all relationships on this earth are icing on the cake, but they can never be THE cake. Sounds simplistic & hokey, I know, but it's easy for life & relationships to become so distorted that it distorts our relationship with God, too.

I hate pruning. But looking back, I realize that if those "friends" were still having such a heavy influence on my daily living, I would not be where I am now in my faith, in my marriage, in my family, & in my friendships.

Hang in there, friend ~ Dardi

Stephanie said...

So many of your struggles sound TOO familiar to me. But I'm not sure I'm ready to change, let go and open myself up to others.

Praying for you. :)

Happymom4 aka Hope Anne said...

Lost a friend of many years . . . who would ever think after that many years? But people change. I changed, she changed, and we didn't "mesh" any more I guess. I'm praying God will meet her needs, because I couldn't any more. I hold her still in my heart and love her dearly. All that to simply say . . . I care.

Marian said...

An internet hug to you from someone who's been through a whole lot in recent years, iced on top by betrayal, and loss of friendships and a realization that I'm not sure I have the Stuff anymore for the deep friendships I crave...

Debbie Doughty said...

Thanks for sharing from your heart. I see from the comments here that there are a lot of women who share your disappointment with past friendships, or the lack there of, myself included. If you are crazy, we all must be, lol. Praying for you and sending a big cyber {HUG}!

Renata said...

Oh Kimmie
I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Be sure that I will be praying for you. (((HUGS)))

Our Red House said...

Hi Kimmie,

Just want you to know that I love everything about you even though we have never met in person. You are without doubt a good and true friend.

hugs from your Aussie friend,

Kate xxx

Isabel said...

will be praying for you, Kimmie! You've got such a tender, beautiful heart. Healing and lots of grace to you!

Amie said...

When I feel like I have no one, I thank God I have my little Lilly. You have eight little BFF's who have a million reasons to love you :)

Karen said...

I just ordered the book!

MaryKay said...

I am going to put this out here...
you wonder why, well, it is what was said to me and I think about it constantly.

When you hopped in our van at Grace Guest House, I could tell you were an introvert. You didn't seem unfriendly but just reserved. But yet, the first impression told me you are a very good mom and I could tell you homeschooled. I wished you would have talked more because it seemed you had a lot to offer.

When you keep to yourself, it would seem that you don't like the people around you and don't want to be with them. I get that because I don't always want to be sociable. It wears me down...being sociable.

I am really glad I hooked up with your blog Kimmie! I love reading what is inside you. You have so much to offer.

The friends you find will be blessed if you will step out on a limb and offer yourself to them. It is up to them what they do with it but if you don't try, you'll miss out on huge blessings! do need to read that book. ;-\

Mrs. MK said...

I am praying for you, Kimmie! It sounds like you are having a rough time. I am praying that it is an especially fruitful time, one that you look back on years from now with thankfullness for all God's has done and changed in your heart.

I had a pretty bad day myself, in regards to my {former} best friend. We were sooooo close growing up, and now, a few years later, I have to find out on Facebook that she's pregnant with her first baby. That stung. It's so hard to understand how you can go from the tell each EVERYTHING kind of friends, to barely speaking 1-2 a year, and not bothering to communicate such wonderful things like pregnancy. I also wonder if she's scared of me....being the grieving mother that I am. But anyway...

I am praying for you!

val said...

Dear Kimmie,
Thank you for being so brave and so honest in sharing these deep things from your heart. I can certainly relate to lots of what you say.
May God bless you and keep you close,
Bless you,

Cathy said...

Friendships are hard. Especially for introverts and especially for creative types. I think sometimes too we have such false beliefs about our friendships (as women) - that this friend is to be this, this, and this for me. Maybe it is only God's plan for her to be this one thing for me. And maybe, being my personality, that I know doesn't tend to make friendships easily, maybe I need to not think more realistically and not think every friendship I have to get back exactly what I give. Maybe God has called me to give more than I recieve and be OK with that. And to realize that what I give won't always be appreciated, but I serve as unto the Lord, anyhow. Also, maybe I need to realize, God put this friend in my life, only to fill this small little area and as I yield to him he'll reveal other friends in my life to fill these other areas. Ultimately, I am so thankful to God to allow me to spend my life with my best friend, my husband, anyhow. And while my husband doesn't fill every need (and sometimes I freak out about that), he fills the really deep needs and God provides for other needs as I yield to him and allow myself to give to others freely. Well, just rambling about my own experience. I look forward to reading more about what your are learning in this area. My prayers are with you.


Anonymous said...

You say you don't have to "do" or "perform" to be a friend and that is SO true. However, my experience has been about 95% of women that I have tried to befriend have certain requirements to maintain the friendship. I'm a middle-aged, Christian woman with older kids I homeschool and I have seen a consistent pattern of "requirements" through the years from these women, such as:
- You must attend a girl's night out
- You must remember any and all birthdays and buy gifts, even when funds are tight
- You must "do lunch" at a restaurant or at least go shopping, sans children
- You must be available to talk on the phone at any given moment even when it isn't an emergency
- You must say something that you are angry about when she says something she's angry about or it will be all lopsided
- If more than two weeks pass without contact, any and all friendships can be deleted

The above list isn't complete, and I'm amazed at how often these requirements have been deployed to me and others. I used to get so frustrated about this but finally was able to just accept it.
Now I've moved across the country and don't know a soul. I'm scared the old feelings of not being able to "clear the bar" are going to creep up again now that I'm friendless (other than my few, good friends who live far away) and searching for a pal.

My heart goes out to you.
I will pray for you now!

Eve said...

Hi Kimmie, you are held up in my prayers. You know I share this situation as well so I know how you are feeling at present.

It's great having blogging friends from far and wide, but there's a deeper friendship/s we can sometimes crave. Since moving here to England I have not one friend in this counrty, and lost many back in the US.

Sometimes finding yourself the best company helps a lot. And thinking of a lot of "friendship requirements" that some people require, I'm very very happy with my own friendship at this point in my life.

Things will get better.
Big hugs

Saminda said...

Dearest Kimmie, I feel your pain and I GET IT!! I too have lost special friends... to the point now where I worry I will continue to lose those who are close to me. This whole friendship thing is so so hard.

I will be praying. And I just wish we lived in the same town (or country!); I feel certain we would be great friends. ;) xx

Anonymous said...

I have been praying for you, Kimmie, and want to tell you what He is impressing on me. Maybe this is for you ~ maybe it's for me. I feel so strongly that God has given each of us a path unique to what He wants from us. For some, that path has many friends and for others it doesn't. Kind of like Paul... some are to be married and others are not. Would having more than one or two close friends take time away from what He wants you to do right now? Would the act of grooming friendships take away from the strength and grace He has given you THIS day to do what He wants you to do at this point in your life? Choose very carefully and simply walk in the direction He leads you. HE will bring special friends into your life when He thinks it is right. Otherwise, the friendships will be all wonky and will dissolve. There will be a time for friendships and a time of seemingly "sailing solo." Let Him choose, and just focus on today only. Enjoy today and those who are in it! It's ALL a gift. Don't allow life-devouring "friendships" to steal your joy and eat away at the grace for today! They can't have that power over you unless you give them permission!!
Major hugs and prayers as you walk along a very familiar-to-me path. If only I could reach back into my youth and give myself this same advice.
Blessings to you and yours... now go smile, and laugh, and be light to your circle of influence! Let the stones that weigh you down simply fall out of your hands and roll away.......... Above all, Jesus loves you SO much and so do we, your readers and encouragers :o)

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