Aug 21, 2010

Friendship...Some Thoughts from My Heart


As I ponder my heart and my longing for a deep friendship,
what came to mind (or what the tears have brought in on the waves of each new cry)...

Commitment.
I want a friend who is committed to me. 
One who will go for the long haul, one who likes me just as I am.
One who will share their heart, without holding back.
One who thinks I am enough for them.

One who is my friend, no matter what time of day it is, and not just a compartmentalized friend (like a homeschool friend, or a bible study friend, or one that only fits into a certain category/time slot...)
(Yes, I do know the One who fits this role perfectly,  His name is Jesus.  He is always enough, but I am longing for a friend with skin on...one who wants to go deep; to help to carry my heart (and me theirs) in this thing we call life.)

I find as I search through the wreckage of my friendships, especially the one that blew up last year, that with the hurt and rejection, that there is a part of me that screams, please let me be enough. Really, I want to crawl to their house and knock on the door and say...
please tell me I am enough.  
Please.please...
Please.

With the rejection comes the words that say things like, you are not enough, you need to give more, you need to perform better, you need to do this or that, you need to ...never worthy, never enough.  Always work. 
more work, but never the right work to make a friendship stick- to become deep, intimate and truly meaningful to my soul.
there I said it.
  Maybe now I can stop crying.

And for those of you who are waiting on your book ~(Friendship for Grownups), I think we will start jumping in together the second week of September.  A few people ordered their books last week, so we will wait for them.  Please do start reading if you have your book, but please be willing to go back to the beginning with us and share your heart; as we chapter by chapter share what is on our hearts and minds.

Perhaps my (our) failings at intimate friendship will lead us to success;
as we seek His face and His hand.

9 comments:

Leslie said...

Growing up I always thought friendship was easy, then I grew up. Now as an adult, a mom, a wife, I long for a close friend to not only be a part of my life, but to share in their life. I have two very close friends with whom I can share anything, but they are both thousands of miles away. Maintaining those friendships has been made a little easier through the internet, but it's still hard not to have someone that's close both in intimacy and proximity.

Anonymous said...

Hugs girl!! I could have written those words although my guess is my closest friends wouldn't know it. Definitely understand the feeling of not being enough. I am devoted and loyal but never BFF quality.... :( I want someone to WANT to be my friend as much as I am theirs.

Anonymous said...

It seems for me that my friends are there when I need them, but it's hard to find time day-to-day to get together. We are all running with work, kids, church, sports, etc. that we don't connect as often as we'd like.

I think it could be the stage of life that we're in and obviously we could try to improve. But, I also think that there is something comforting knowing that when things get hard or you just need to talk, people are there...even if you don't see them that often.

Also, I believe God puts people in your life when you need them. Maybe it's for a short time or maybe for a long time. Appreciate the people who have come into your life, no matter how long.

Teresa

Rob said...

Hi Kimmie, As you say you have one friend in Jesus, I can also see from what you ask for that you have another, I forget his name (if I ever knew it) I know him as your knight. I think that anyone who counts you as a friend would think themselve a very lucky person and would work hard to keep it that way and because of that I think they would always be fearful of losing what they have because they value it so much. So having said that it occurs to me that its important to live for today and enjoy and make the most of what you have now. I hope you have a nice day Kimmie and I hope that soon you will find the friend you seek. Rob.

Thoughts on Life and Millinery. said...

Yes. I know what you mean: why do friends wander away, drop off, move on. Add moving myself, in geography and life place and suddenly "where did everybody go?"
Each phase and place of my life has given me one good friend that remains faithful, yet they all live far away. Now I just need one here in my new town,and two years later, no luck yet. I would be miserable if it was not for my blogging friends just fingertips away. Funny thing: my real life friends often are less caught up on my life than my "stranger" blogging frineds.

Roselawn said...

I couldn't resist... I read the whole book already, and it is good! I will go back to each chapter, though, and participate with the group. Looking forward to the insight and sharing that will hopefully open my heart and mind to even more possibilities to develop intimate friendships.

mom said...

Perhaps some friendships come and go with the seasons in our lives? As we are open to allowing God to work in our lives how HE wants to, we will change and grow in perhaps different directions than our friends. Some friendships may fade and others may grow. (just pondering aloud....)

All that to say...I'm enjoying watch our friendship grow :-)

Blessings,
Tammy ~@~

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Anonymous said...

As I sit and read this, tears roll down my face! I also have been praying for this type of friendship you speak of in all your recent blogs! As a home school mom, I go through my days feeling SO alone! I too know without a doubt, Jesus is a friend that will never leave but also desire a human best friend to share daily life events with. My husband is also my dearest friend, but there are so many times I just want another woman to chat with. I see friendships like this in our home school co op, our church, ect but have never been blessed with a dear friend like that :( I am really struggling with this also! Pray for me as I pray for you that our BF is out there somewhere and God will lead them to our lives in his perfect timing! On a lighter note: Maybe we should place a wanted ad for a best friend? lol!

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