Nov 1, 2010

Friendship for Grown-ups-chapter 8

Friendship for Grown-Ups

Who Are Safe People?
~chapter eight~

Questions we might want to share...opening our hearts.

1.  Have you ever been betrayed by a friend?  Have you recovered enough to trust again?

yes and yes

2. Who would you like to forgive-
knowing that if you didn't have to forget,
it would take time to earn this person's trust again.

but I would say, "I believe in reconciliation because of God's working and healing of relationships."

3.  What are some warning signals you take notice of before making the decision of opening your heart up to deeper friendship?

Gossip, slander, not following (when a Christian) Biblical guidelines of how to go to a friend first, before going to others.  If someone isn't open with me, then I don't usually bother trying to go deeper.

4.  Think about friends whose words you hear, but actions you ignore.  What real messages are you missing in these types of relationships?

What does this mean?  Is she saying like a double standard life? Like when a persons life doesn't line up with what they are claiming?  Or a person who is one train wreck after another?  What do you think?

5.  How is your thinking *off* due to childhood experiences.
How do you think this might effect your friendships today?

I had many nice wonderful friendships as a kid.  I also had some that weren't so nice (mostly teen years).  I do think that I tend to not need much, mainly do to the pain that comes each time I do.  I think some take me as cool, or distant.  Many people think that I am intimidating (I am not sure why).  (as when they start to know me they've told me ..."I thought this, or such and such also thinks this.")

     Pain, rejection, slander, gossip have hurt me in several friendships over the past few years.  I do still hope to have the friend I long for.  BUT if I don't, I am still going to enjoy my life.  I have a wonderful husband, great children, many things I am interested in.  A faith that I will keep plugging in and hopefully maturing in.  If God wants to bring me an intimate friend, who wants to spend time with me, and liking me for who I am...great...if not, I am okay with me.

Honestly, for the past 2 weeks (maybe a little longer), I decided I didn't like me.  The words spoken to me resounded in my head and the enemy battered me severely.  I began to retreat into my cave.  I began not wanting to talk to anyone, for fear my words would be taken the wrong way.  It wasn't a pretty place at all.  But today, I realize that I still like me.  I love my relationship with God, the relationship I have with my Knight, with my kids...I am good with how I am (both inside and out) and will continue to allow the Holy Spirit to shape me into the Kimmie He wants me to be.  

I am a work in progress.  Clay in the Master Potters hands.  Sometimes the shaping hurts, sometimes the kneading and refining requires fire.  Sometimes I cry.

Ultimately I am a screw up, a sinner saved by His wonderful Grace.  Each day He gives me new mercies.  If I walk humbly before God and man my life will be blessed.  If I follow Biblical guidelines, my life will fall in pleasant places.

I don't know what tomorrow will look like, but I am comfortable and confident in what He is asking of me today.

Some days it is harder to empty ourselves,
so He can fill us and use us. 

I would also like to add:

My heart is amazed at you women who are called to be a Pastors wife.  I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to find intimate friendships.  Praying for each of you that has come to my heart.

Now it's your turn...


Diana said...

I too have been hurt in past friendships, both as a child and as an adult. But, that won't stop me from making new friends and searching for my Emmit. The gossip thing is probably the biggest warning sign for me to be able to trust someone. Next, their actions need to line up with their words.

Forgiving friends for the pain they've cost me is something I've learned to do through God's grace and His forgiveness of me. There have been some friendships that have changed dramatically because of the lack of trust. But I believe, like Lisa, that's just putting up healthy boundaries.

Stacy said...

Beautiful Kimmie~
I am praying for you: that when those nasty lies come into your mind you would be able to combat them with the Truth: that you are precious, loved, so adored by God!

I'm also praying that God would bring you that intimate friendship you so desire. (I wish I lived closer, because I, for one, would be standing in line for my shot at being just that. :))

(((love you, friend!)))

Annie Chase said...

I messed up today. There was a girl that I've been wanting to be friends with but it just hasn't happened and yesterday when I was having a terrible day she noticed and gave me a hug. Today in the cafeteria she asked me sincerely how was I today and I brushed her off with a quick "I'm fine how are you" like I always do and then quickly realized how big of a mistake that was. I wrote her a note later and thanked her for her encouraging words and apologized for my quick answer. I still find me beating myself up about it though :(

now to the questions:
Yes. I was been deeply hurt by a friend in high school. It took me out for a long time and opened up tears I never knew I had but after letting it go about a year later she emailed me and apologized. Now we email each other whenever we can.

I too want an emmitt.

I've made some great advances with friendships since I've started reading this book. I"ve also made some great mess-ups but I'm beginning to understand that we don't get it right every time and that its ok.

Safe people: I have a tendency to seek out the hurting and the messed up and try to be friends with them and I almost always get hurt with that. My Dad bought me a book for christmas called Safe People (I haven't read it yet) and says that I need safe friends. This chapter was a good one to read but as I read it all I could think of was not so much that I want a safe friend but more than I want to BE a safe friend to others. Ever since reading this chapter though I have had my eye out for the signs of a safe person and done my best to be a safe person as well.

Also, I send a hug your way because I just went through something similar to what you described where the enemy gets into your head and tears you down and criticizes you and makes you hate yourself. Rebuke him. You belong to the King and he can't have you. I love you.

I also want to send a hug to each of the girls in this book study. We all have gaping wounds and fears and desires for a heart friend like Emmit. And we could all use a hug now and then :)

Annie Chase said...
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Annie Chase said...
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Sara said...

I continue to read and be blessed by your words and the realness that jumps off the page. Friendship is a beautiful thing. Opening my heart and life with others I have been hurt too, but the blessings far outweigh any negative bloopers along the way. When someone hurts me, I am learning to realize that my battle is not against flesh and blood. Then, I can take aim at the real enemy and continue to love the person with all that I have.

Hugs for your day,

PS Your answers and mine almost line up exactly, Some have been intimidated of me, when I would consider myself a girl breaking free from a shy mold that was never intended to hold me.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your friendship post since day 1,but never really got it.I didnt know what you meant by wanting deeper friendships,didnt know why you'd have the void,since your knight is so close to you,I didnt understand how someone (like you) whos pretty inside and out,faithful,smart,loving and talented could NOT have gobs of friends.I assumed if anyone would have those friends it would be someone like you.I just didnt get it.Then the other am,6am to be excact I couldnt sleep I had the days worries on my mind.I went to prayer,but my mind wondered away.You and your post came in.And bam! I got it. It opened my eyes,that I have friends,but I too want that deeper friend.I really got it.My hubby is my closest friend,but hes gone alot,and I do long for that friend to stand by me thick and thin.So thanks for posting,even though it took me til now to get it.

Karen said...

I think my thoughts during this chapter ran along the lines of "am I a safe friend?" I certainly want to be! And I was challenged to be careful as I talk with others... This is also something I really want to impress on my children...that of having safe friends, and of being friendly but not necessarily confiding in just anyone.

Amrita said...

Since the past 5 months we have been trying to figure out how to deal with 2 'friewnds ' who betraye d our trust in a huge way. Your article is very helpful. Thought provoking.

I don 't know how Jesus coped with Judas for so long.

Rob said...

Hi Kimmie, I think when you've had a friend who you've trusted and who has then turned their back on you for another its not possible to put your trust in anyone else because you feel that if you gave it your all last time and and it came to nothing what it the point in trying again because you can't do better than your best? Being lonely hurts but not as much as being rejected by someone you trust.

Roselawn said...

First of all, Kimmie- Thanks for hosting this book study! I truly believe you have an Emmit out there somewhere and God is anxiously waiting to introduce her to you! I, like Stacy, would be waiting in that same line if I lived closer!

Diana- I agree that gossip is a big warning sign. And I, too, have had many changing friendships in my life. I find that if I come to expect it from the beginning I'm not as hurt by it when it happens... but maybe I am setting myself up in some way... I don't know.

Annie - Don't beat yourself up over the missed opportunity. I think the note more than made up for that. Wow, a whole book on Safe People! Give us some insight once you read it!

Sara- Yes, we all need to realize that Satan is the real enemy making us feel unloveable and undeserving of an Emmit. God wants happiness and peace for our souls, and we need to lean on Him to fight off the enemy!

Anonymous- Honestly, I thought the same thing about Kimmie at first. And I wondered how in the world someone homeschooling so many kids would have time to even nurture and Emmit relationship. Then I thought... maybe it's BECAUSE she has so many kids that the need is so strong! When I was teaching elementary school full time, I remember craving adult relationships. It makes you need it even more! ha ha

Karen- You made some good points! I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I may not be a safe friend, although I really try.

Amrita- Praying that God guides you as you deal with your friendship dilemma...

Rob- Yes, rejection does hurt, and it's easy to try to protect our emotions. I know I do it... But I think we are missing out if we don't allow ourselves to open up and trust. It's a hard thing to do...

Have a great week, everyone!

mom said...

I think because my trust has been broken so many times, there's a caution within me to be totally *real* with friends in my life. What I've found is that my safe place is with the Lord who I can trust completely and who will always love the real me :-)


Tammy ~@~

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