I have to admit, I often let my heart go a little early in a relationship. I confess I am always looking for friends who will really want a deep relationship. I am finding that just when it looks that perhaps God has led me to that friend who will meet my heart need (perhaps want?) that I find out that it isn't quite what I hoped.
Though what I am dealing with isn't total outright rejection, I am feeling pain. When I talk to my newer-ish friend she is constantly calling me by this other woman's name. She is constantly telling me what they did together. And though I am also friends with this other lady, I am finding that my heart is aching for not being "chosen" again.
Perhaps that sounds childish, but maybe you will relate and hear what my heart is crying out for.
I heard myself sigh yet again, as I really thought it was the relationship I had been so craving. I had to tell myself again that hurting people hurt people (often with their words or with their actions) and most of the time they don't even know it.
The Holy Spirit has been telling me to ease back, to love her, but not to end up crippled in the process. I am already walking with a limp from a few past relationships. Love is tricky business. Loving orphans and widows has a price. Honestly even beyond this group it is hard ground. Yet, He calls us to do it, but He never tells us it will be easy.
As a parent of 7 'former orphans' I know that it AIN'T easy street in any way shape or form. Love is easily given, but not always easily given back. Many times it comes in bursts with highs and lows that you need to ride out. Our eyes must must MUST be fixed on Jesus, or we will be beyond hope to walk it out.
Guess I am standing in the water with this relationship,
but aware that waves that may cause my heart to ache are due to come. They have come and boy am I disappointed.
So what is it that I am looking for? What is it that I am longing for? Well it definitely was a friendship that has depth to it. One in which I am preferred, which may sound strange, but where I am not fighting for a time slot or a position. They just will want to spend time with me and that is that. To love with all I have and to be loved back in return.
Believe it or not I am still hoping God brings it- I am not going to isolate out and protect my heart
(though my heart screams, "RUN to where it is safe!")
Life isn't safe. All of it is one risk and challenge after another.
However, if we wait for there to be no risks in relationships, then alas we will miss out on some of the most exciting and wonderful things life has to offer. Hard stuff to grasp, but to go on without love or real relationships is just not an option I am willing to consider.