When Disappointment Comes A'Knockin'
I have to admit, I often let my heart go a little early in a relationship. I confess I am always looking for friends who will really want a deep relationship. I am finding that just when it looks that perhaps God has led me to that friend who will meet my heart need (perhaps want?) that I find out that it isn't quite what I hoped.
Though what I am dealing with isn't total outright rejection, I am feeling pain. When I talk to my newer-ish friend she is constantly calling me by this other woman's name. She is constantly telling me what they did together. And though I am also friends with this other lady, I am finding that my heart is aching for not being "chosen" again.
Perhaps that sounds childish, but maybe you will relate and hear what my heart is crying out for.
I heard myself sigh yet again, as I really thought it was the relationship I had been so craving. I had to tell myself again that hurting people hurt people (often with their words or with their actions) and most of the time they don't even know it.
The Holy Spirit has been telling me to ease back, to love her, but not to end up crippled in the process. I am already walking with a limp from a few past relationships. Love is tricky business. Loving orphans and widows has a price. Honestly even beyond this group it is hard ground. Yet, He calls us to do it, but He never tells us it will be easy.
As a parent of 7 'former orphans' I know that it AIN'T easy street in any way shape or form. Love is easily given, but not always easily given back. Many times it comes in bursts with highs and lows that you need to ride out. Our eyes must must MUST be fixed on Jesus, or we will be beyond hope to walk it out.
Guess I am standing in the water with this relationship,
but aware that waves that may cause my heart to ache are due to come. They have come and boy am I disappointed.
So what is it that I am looking for? What is it that I am longing for? Well it definitely was a friendship that has depth to it. One in which I am preferred, which may sound strange, but where I am not fighting for a time slot or a position. They just will want to spend time with me and that is that. To love with all I have and to be loved back in return.
Believe it or not I am still hoping God brings it- I am not going to isolate out and protect my heart
(though my heart screams, "RUN to where it is safe!")
Life isn't safe. All of it is one risk and challenge after another.
However, if we wait for there to be no risks in relationships, then alas we will miss out on some of the most exciting and wonderful things life has to offer. Hard stuff to grasp, but to go on without love or real relationships is just not an option I am willing to consider.
signed me...
Kimmie
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12 comments:
Dave & I were just talking about friendships the other night. He's worried because he thinks I don't have any really close friends, but I did point out that my sisters are close to me & that I've been hurt in the past & so that makes me wary of making close friendships.
Your post is very interesting & I guess I just want to say that you aren't alone.
Love to you
Renata:)
I would have to say that that is one of my biggest heart struggles as well.
Finding a true friend outside of the family is very difficult. I once thought I had the best friend I could ever wish for but even that came to an end when she left her husband and moved in with her new guy, this left me thinking that maybe she was looking for something other than a friend all along. So after that I sort of gave up looking. I guess different people look for different things in a friendship, for me loyalty is important for you it may be something different and for the friend you talk about, something different again. I guess we have to ask if we want to make do with what we have or keep on looking for what we really want. Personally I would rather do without whilst I keep on looking for the one that makes me happy than carry on fighting for someone who makes me sad. The funny thing is that the most perfect friend I've ever had in my whole life, the one who gives me everything I look for in a friend is my dog Tommy, so I guess that says as much as anything as to what a true friend means to me. I hope you don't stay disappointed for long Kimmie cos you deserve a good friend.
It's a hard thing indeed, Kimmie, and I do understand about that heart longing for a kindred spirit kind of friend. There truly is only one relationship that won't disappoint and that is the one with Jesus. Every single relationship on this earth will have disappointment that comes with it because we are all sinners. I guess for me, it's always worth erring on the side of love as I don't want to look back someday regretting all those times when I didn't reach out to someone in friendship. Perhaps it takes looking at each person as someone that God loves and died for and remembering that it is not about me.
Wish we lived closer.....
Blessings,
Tammy ~@~
I do long for a close frienship where we are both interested in similar things and have no fear of sharing our heart. But I recently met a woman who confessed her desire to have a really close friend and couldn't understand why she has lived here for decades and hasn't ever found one. I was excited because we had some of the same interests and background with an interest in a good, close friendship. Could this be a new best-buddy? Neither of us had problems opening our thoughts or lives, and the conversation was interesting and fun. She loved the Lord, and wanted to grow. But then.....
She ended up wanting a WAY more clingy friendship, excluding the children, wanting to go on "girl's nights", etc. She began divulging things to me that she had never told her husband. I felt like she was sucking my soul out, and that she was trying to mimic me in how I dress, decorate, cook, talk. Creepy! I don't want a clone, I want a friend.
Rob was right (commenter above) in that your idea of "close" might be completely differen than another's "close" relationship.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
I'm in the trenches with this myself, feeling extremely let down by one I felt was so close. She no longer seems to "get" me, and I'm hurt to the core by this. But I've found hope in Him; I'm pressing in to Him, believing that He designed me for relationship with others that is mutually nurturing. hard to wait on Him sometimes though....
I'm praying for you, my friend!
Not childish as all, dear Kimmie, just an honest cry that echoes in almost every heart. I am married to my best friend, as I know you are, but STILL, there is a longing for a best GIRL friend, a true sister.
What makes it even harder, is my kids are lonely, too. The Lord moved us to a place of ministry that is good and healthy, but friendships have been lacking. I can handle my own pain, but to hear my lovely adult children confess how lonely they are tears me apart.
But, we all rest in this blessed thought, there is a FRIEND that sticks closer to a brother. We will keep clinging to that FRIEND and keep asking for an earthly friend.
What I look forward to most in Heaven is seeing Jesus and being known, loved and understood fully for the first time... but for eternity. I have not closed off my heart, but I no longer expect to have such a gift here on earth, neither with a man as a husband nor with a woman friend.
wow I could have wrote what you wrote. I am longing for the same thing but haven't found it. Keep praying and hoping for it though...
Seriously, I have many acquaintances in our church but no true friends. I'm really not close to anyone but my husband.
You know it is weird. Sometimes you feel that you are the only prson struggling with a certain feeling or problem. Here you have it..there are 11 persons (I make twelve) :) who are going through or have experienced what it is to be lonely. Even with families and acquaintances around, there is a gap to be filled by one special soul sister. I agree that Jesus is the 'bestest' friend that one could ever hope for but a sista still needs that one girlfriend that she can be close to. Keep swimming Kimmie as will I.
Earthly friendships will fail at some point or another. I keep telling myself, and if I don't tell myself my husband will, to not look for someone to be my friend.... only look to find those who need a friend. They may not be what we WANT but in fulfilling other's need we will find fulfillment and joy. I lost friends through this adoption journey... close friends. Several friends... but God has been faithful and given me people to love on, to pray for and when I am brave to pray with. I miss my friends. I hurt every time I see them and feel the rejection all over again, but there are people in greater need than me and that is where I am choosing to put my focus. (thought I fail sometimes!)
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