May 14, 2012

Hearts are Made for Love

Sometimes I feel compelled to write down my thoughts.  
Thoughts that some moments run fleeting through my head. 
 Today was such a day.

As the day wound past like a rocket ship aimed at the moon, 
waves of joy and sorrow climbed about my soul.

I wanted to write about my becoming a mother, some 21 years ago and how it altered my every breath since that moment of conception.  How soon that child who leapt within my womb, will be wed and will be an official woman. 

 She will of course always be my baby, as so often she was reminded as she moved from my breast, to my knee, to toddling then running about.  But soon she will have fully left childhood behind and will begin her life that God has opened before her, like a beautiful book yet to be completed.

Today I wondered what that meant for me, if she loses childhood and gains adulthood, what do I look forward to in this seeming loss.  I should be capturing moments, encapsulating them and slowing down time, making sure I've gotten it all down correctly~  Like crossing t's and dotting i's postscript.

Then the day passes and I remember infertility that struck its heavy hand at years of my life.  Seemingly it wanted to steal my joy, instead longing to leave me in a pile of ashes.  But God gives Beauty for ashes and indeed He blew on those ashes and brought forth the beginnings of my tribe that He has assembled from the nations.

 I rush about trying to balance all that wants to try to knock me off balance.  Moments of texting, followed by *the plan* and ending with a sigh of relief when I realized that not all what I thought would happen around dinner time was actually intended for THIS day, but would amble in some time next week. 

 Oh joyful bliss.  
Now to tackle dinner.

Dinner grabbed from this refrigerator, or that one, or the one in the farthest reaches.  Who imagined I would be a mother needing 3 actual refrigerators.  Gathering this and that from the pantry, the cellar or one of the many freezers.  Quickly blending this with that and finding that it all comes together for a well rounded meal that the tribe will later pass from end to end of our old harvesting table.

The moment stopped and I "saw it" as I lay on a blanket under a small tree, looking on as 6 of my littles ran about with the oldest Ethiopian's soccer coach, "Prince Adam."  His team had failed him, not coming to the practice, but my tribe who came merely to watch their limber sister run about, were more than happy to fill in on the girls' practice.  Even the baby was invited to play, how happy she was that Mama forced her to wear 'kickin' shoes' to the field tonight. The noise of joy and the vibrations of love that it echoes.

I looked up and caught a reflection of who I am, the mirror rising from the green grass on which I am laying. Amidst the flannel blanket, tossed with hands full of weeds that are a play dinner of sorts from my youngest bronze skinned daughter.  A knowing comes as what I am doing here on this space of earth.

 I breathed in the cool spring air and lifted up thanks to Him who made all of this journey possible.

In 12 days I will be the M.O.B. 
(or Mother of the Bride, as my girlfriend told me this morning, as we cut out this month's quilting square). 

I don't feel quite ready in my heart. I do know that my Father who has called me to all of this,
 will give me the grace to embrace the moment
 and take joy in the next part of this wild ride.

Hearts are made for LOVE and this heart is so very full.

If you read all of this, bravo...
really I was writing it for me, 
but glad you were able to share my heart.


The Red Thread Kids: said...

...that was beautiful kimmie, and I think I needed to hear it too, and maybe pass it along to my mother. the part of everything not happening on this day as planned. simply beautiful.

I, not being a mother, in another vein still understand the feeling of wanting to hang on to what one has. Life moves so fast. But I've learned that sometimes we look with so much longing on the closed door, that sometimes we don't think about what might be behind that beautiful new door God has opened.

--I might have written that as a reminder to myself more. Forgive me, for that. Be blessed, sweet friend, happy wonderful times are ahead.

Rhonda said...

This morning I have been reading through some of your blog posts and feeling like I've found a friend. I have 4 sons (out of my womb) and have heard the call to adoption just recently. So, my heart seems to go from great highs to some dipping down lows as I look to follow this call with obedience, which keeps looking more and more like just plain waiting. I plan to spend some time with you and your older posts as I can sure use your brand of inspiration and thinking. :) God bless you!

Rhonda (from Arkansas)

mom said...

Dear friend, do not think of losses during this new season but of GAINS! Your family is going to grow in so many unexpected ways in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead and it will be even more beauty :-)

Tammy ~@~

Duckygirl said...

Simply beautiful!

Greta Jo said...

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for sharing. I really needed to read your post tonight.

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