Oct 1, 2007

Matters of my heart, a look back to Friday

A moment of Friday

My two oldest girls had a weekend youth retreat to Cape Cod, we rushed around trying to get everything in order before we needed to meet their leader at the church parking lot. They were going to learn about matters of the heart, definitely something you are never too young to learn from God. I dropped them off and turned Katrinka the Tank back towards home. My 4 wee ones were all feverish and were much in need of a nap. I read them a few stories in the living room, then marched them up to bed, praying over each of them for healing.

I marched myself back down to the living room, first grabbing our 3 week old kitten that we have been mothering. I warmed his milk, dropper by dropper he greedily accepted his in between meals meal, I lay down on the floor exhausted from the events that had occurred earlier in the day with the arrival of the news from our adoption agency of their Guatemalan program being shut down Oct. 1st. Numbness raged through my mind, not even wanting to ponder for another moment the implications of such words, I lay on the carpet hoping that my tears would felt me into its fiber and the pain would surely then subside. The house was silent, my tears were silent, but perhaps in heaven they were splashing into the cup that the Father holds containing all of my tears. I admit that over my 14 years of infertility, there have been many, it must be a very large container to hold them all. I lay there trying not to cry, trying not to think, I cast up one, "Why God," and then turned my head to my shoulder, still lying on my back. As I breathed into a little fur body that had curled up on my shoulder with a full belly, I heard the sound of rich purring, deep contentment from such a wee little form. You see to him, Tobin our latest addition, I am his mama- he felt my breath and it brought him joy. For a moment I sighed and smiled, God knew all of this would occur, he knew how fragile my heart was, so he sent this teeny-tiny little bundle of fur to nurture. It wasn't what I asked for, but for the moment it was just what I needed.

I tipped my head back and I heard the Lord speaking to my heart, he said, "I have you where I want you, you are lying here not felting into the carpet, but looking up. Kimmie, you have no place to look, but to Me."

How true. My positioning was as low as the the room could hold, the eyes of my heart had no direction to look , but up.

He then reminded me that I am a strong woman of God, that I have a story to tell and that I have a mission to make an impact in this world. He reminded me that there are those who are watching and listening to my words. That I must be careful in what I said, "As it is a matter of the heart."

So broken I share my heart, honestly broken is the best place for me, as it makes me so aware of my Father in heaven who loves me, who has a plan for my life. It reminds me that I am not alone, that He indeed knows the timing of each of my children and that His plans are perfect. He speaks to me and guides me along this path called life, sometimes called adoption. It isn't an easy road, it is one my heart is deeply entrenched in, one that moves me so deeply in spirit that sometimes I weep.

I love all of my children and count my blessings that God has entrusted them to me. He has brought them to me, wrapped in his plan for my life. The fit for each has been perfect, my Knight and I continually thank him and are constantly amazed at how our family dynamics work, considering our children have come with such amazing stories themselves.

I want you to know that each of you that left messages from your hearts, touched me so deeply. You might just think they are words and that I'd read them and forget, but it is a matter of the heart. Your hearts and love clearly shone upon my spirit and brought me encouragement and joy. Some of you I may never meet here on this earth, but I give thanks for you just the same. Traci, your words to me in church and your hug blessed me so much, I am thankful for your friendship and your love-you are so quick to comfort me, thank you . Halley, though we have been friends for only a short time, your words moved my heart again to tears (I thought I could leave church dry, HA!) , you're such a blessing to me (thanks Cindy), I am very thankful for you.

So again, thank you for your words, your prayers and for opening your hearts and lives to me and my family. God does indeed hear our prayers and he is moving in this situation in Guatemala. His timing is perfect, it's a matter of His heart.


randi---i have to say said...

(((HUGS))) for you, sweet friend.

Nunnie's Attic said...

Sweetheart - you are truly a woman of faith and you inspire all of those around you mainly me! I hope you can feel the love and touch of my heart for you this morning. Keeping you in my prayers.


BittersweetPunkin said...

I will pray for you as well....I am sorry you carry this burden on your heart.

Cindy said...

Kimmie, I've thought about you so much this weekend; wondering how you were holding up. I absolutely LOVE that God showed you his tender mercy; reminding you that you were to look up. I'm glad you were on that carpet. I'm still praying for God to move mightily, and of course for His peace to cover you.

And it thrilled my heart to read that Hallie was with you. In many ways.

Love you so.

Jacki said...

I don't think I've ever posted a comment here, but I've been reading your blog for several weeks and I wanted to let you know that we'll be praying for the situation in Guatemala. We hope to adopt someday, and you are an inspiration!

Christin said...

"I am his mama- he felt my breath and it brought him joy."

May the Spirit of God breath on you today. And tomorrow...and the next day. May he fill YOU until you are overflowing with a deep contentment. just like your little kitten was.

He knows you. Just like you said. :) He knows you inside and out. And he not only has a plan. He has miracles in store. Because He is God. And that is WHO He is. A miracle worker.

AllyJo's Mama said...

((hug)) to a stranger from a stranger, yet we're sisters and in God's family there are no strangers. :). Your tender post edified me today. Thanks for your comment from Friday. I pray for the Lord to continually lift you up.

javamamma said...

I appreciate your transparency as you trek through such a trying time. His voice always calms the most tumultuous storms and I'm glad He spoke to you in such a real way. He is so worthy of our trust!

Cahleen 何凱琳 said...

Praise God for moments like these, when the world becomes quiet enough for us to hear Him clearly. I'll be praying for you!

Rachel said...

Your words are a true inspiration! May God continue to bless and kee you close to Him.

nsremom said...

I'm in awe of your transparency and thankful that you're sharing them with me.

Bobbie-Jo said...

Praise God for kitties and carpets. And thanks for you, too.

Mrs. Guthrie said...

When I read this post, I got exactly the reminder from the Father that I needed today. Your openness helped my heart. Thank you. Praying for you.

Stepping Out of the Boat said...

Selah...pause and look up! What a beautiful place to be. Sometimes it isn't by choice of our own, but in the stillness, when there is absolutely nothing we can do but look up...that is where we are lifted to a place with the Lord that we never could have imagined!

Dionna said...

Thanks for stopping by to visit my blog! :)

Debbie said...

Kimmie, thank you for sharing your heart. After five adopted children and 21+ years of infertility, it doesn't get any easier to bear at times, but it has gotten easier to see God in it all!

Praying that He wraps his loving arms around you and brings you peace.

Leanne said...

I don't know you, you don't know me, and this is the first time I have visited your blog.....

your words brought my ache that I hold deep within right to the edge of my heart, and I took a giant breath to keep it contained.

I ache for you.

You're brave and you can walk this life-path.

I've bookmarked you so that I can visit you regularly and ache together with you in those unguarded moments.

If you want to visit me I'm stillgrowing over at HSB. IF you come visit leave me a comment, okay?

Leanne in Longview WA

Amrita said...

Dear Kimmie May the Lord comfort you.I also need comforting and nurturing of the Holy Spirit as i am too wading thru lonely and disappointing waters.I love that old Spiritual sung by Andre Crouch; "Wade thru the Waters Children".

What a heart God had given you for children! In this age when population rates are declining and people want to live just for themselves God has put a love for orphans in your soul. His agape love... that 's why you are hurting sister.He will comfort you and open a way for you.

Your kids are diamonds.

Tracy said...

Was praying for you last night, Kimmie.

Michelle said...


Thank you for your kind words and prayers of support during this difficult time. Blessings as you wait.

Anonymous said...

The best advice I have ever received is when a pastor once said, "Ask God for the wisdom to be able to walk through a door He opens, and for the strength to be able to walk away from a door that He closes." I have adopted two children - both in very different situations. At one point, things were very favorable for adopting a newborn little boy... but the details were wrong. They wanted so much more than we had prayerfully decided we were willing to give. It was a closed door, and we prayed for the wisdom to walk away. We did... and we now have a beautiful daughter with the most amazing circumstances surrounding her birth. God meant for us to be the ones to lead her birthmother back to Him before He called her home.
Follow Him and the result will be SO right!
Praying for you!

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