Matters of my heart, a look back to Friday

A moment of Friday

My two oldest girls had a weekend youth retreat to Cape Cod, we rushed around trying to get everything in order before we needed to meet their leader at the church parking lot. They were going to learn about matters of the heart, definitely something you are never too young to learn from God. I dropped them off and turned Katrinka the Tank back towards home. My 4 wee ones were all feverish and were much in need of a nap. I read them a few stories in the living room, then marched them up to bed, praying over each of them for healing.

I marched myself back down to the living room, first grabbing our 3 week old kitten that we have been mothering. I warmed his milk, dropper by dropper he greedily accepted his in between meals meal, I lay down on the floor exhausted from the events that had occurred earlier in the day with the arrival of the news from our adoption agency of their Guatemalan program being shut down Oct. 1st. Numbness raged through my mind, not even wanting to ponder for another moment the implications of such words, I lay on the carpet hoping that my tears would felt me into its fiber and the pain would surely then subside. The house was silent, my tears were silent, but perhaps in heaven they were splashing into the cup that the Father holds containing all of my tears. I admit that over my 14 years of infertility, there have been many, it must be a very large container to hold them all. I lay there trying not to cry, trying not to think, I cast up one, "Why God," and then turned my head to my shoulder, still lying on my back. As I breathed into a little fur body that had curled up on my shoulder with a full belly, I heard the sound of rich purring, deep contentment from such a wee little form. You see to him, Tobin our latest addition, I am his mama- he felt my breath and it brought him joy. For a moment I sighed and smiled, God knew all of this would occur, he knew how fragile my heart was, so he sent this teeny-tiny little bundle of fur to nurture. It wasn't what I asked for, but for the moment it was just what I needed.

I tipped my head back and I heard the Lord speaking to my heart, he said, "I have you where I want you, you are lying here not felting into the carpet, but looking up. Kimmie, you have no place to look, but to Me."

How true. My positioning was as low as the the room could hold, the eyes of my heart had no direction to look , but up.

He then reminded me that I am a strong woman of God, that I have a story to tell and that I have a mission to make an impact in this world. He reminded me that there are those who are watching and listening to my words. That I must be careful in what I said, "As it is a matter of the heart."

So broken I share my heart, honestly broken is the best place for me, as it makes me so aware of my Father in heaven who loves me, who has a plan for my life. It reminds me that I am not alone, that He indeed knows the timing of each of my children and that His plans are perfect. He speaks to me and guides me along this path called life, sometimes called adoption. It isn't an easy road, it is one my heart is deeply entrenched in, one that moves me so deeply in spirit that sometimes I weep.

I love all of my children and count my blessings that God has entrusted them to me. He has brought them to me, wrapped in his plan for my life. The fit for each has been perfect, my Knight and I continually thank him and are constantly amazed at how our family dynamics work, considering our children have come with such amazing stories themselves.

I want you to know that each of you that left messages from your hearts, touched me so deeply. You might just think they are words and that I'd read them and forget, but it is a matter of the heart. Your hearts and love clearly shone upon my spirit and brought me encouragement and joy. Some of you I may never meet here on this earth, but I give thanks for you just the same. Traci, your words to me in church and your hug blessed me so much, I am thankful for your friendship and your love-you are so quick to comfort me, thank you . Halley, though we have been friends for only a short time, your words moved my heart again to tears (I thought I could leave church dry, HA!) , you're such a blessing to me (thanks Cindy), I am very thankful for you.

So again, thank you for your words, your prayers and for opening your hearts and lives to me and my family. God does indeed hear our prayers and he is moving in this situation in Guatemala. His timing is perfect, it's a matter of His heart.