Jan 14, 2010

The Raw Truth

Today I opened up my heart and soul- I didn't plan it, it just spilled out.

I was at my ladies Bible Study. We were just starting. Each week we go around the table and the ladies share the week's highs and lows with each other. It was my turn to share what has been going on, since we last met 3 weeks before. I sit in the last seat, so I have a lot of time to think what I could share. Honestly, I am never sure what to share. Today was no different.

This morning I prayed, as I listened to all my friends share their hearts. I was asking the Holy Spirit to help me know what to say, when my turn came. I rehearsed what I could say, to keep it *smooth* and let my beloved teacher transition into our new study for the following week.

I don't like to get emotional. Funny, because I am a tender hearted soul. Those two statements just don't mix, do they?

Well, I think I got about 10 words out, before I found myself sobbing. I had a hard time pulling myself back together and finding *the words.* Honestly I would have been fine to just put my head down on the table and continue to let those tears out.

Something came out like my highs and lows were mixed together in adoption. The low being we have nothing left financially to give. We are empty on all accounts and beginning to feel bone-weary from the ride. My Knight and I have hit a wall, we are empty and unless God shows up to refresh us, we are in trouble. We are beyond drained, honestly we are totally spent. We don't have anything left to even lift our arms up to God.


Let's move to the high.

The high is a dear friend of ours has stepped up to help us lift our arms. He is my best friend's (who is also my sister-in-law, Rachael) dad, Bob. Bob has offered to do an adoption fundraising dinner on Feb. 27th, to help us gather funds. We are so blessed. We are humbled by the gesture and by the love they are pouring out for our family. Honestly, as my sister-in-love shared about her family jumping in to help with the dinner (food), I found myself stuffing down sobs. He printed out 300 tickets and is believing we can sell them. He also is planning a raffle and a silent auction to help us raise cash.

We are standing in this place because we have obediently followed God. We didn't create this- financial need...unfortunately adoption is expensive. God asked us to go back to Ethiopia, led us to our near 11 year old daughter and is asking us to walk out the details. He has not left us, but the road has tired us out. We seriously have given EVERYTHING.

I don't like crying. (does anyone though?) I don't like being *needy. I really don't like being the center of attention~ ever. really.
But, if it helps get my beautiful daughter home, so be it Lord.

Did I tell you that I told the Lord that, "I would beg out on the street if I had to for the money." Do you know what He said. He said,

"My children don't have to beg, they just have to ask me and believe."

Forgive me Lord, I am so tired. The road has been long. I am believing you ...it is so far beyond us.
Lord come.


andrea said...

you have been on my mind a lot lately...and i'm praying for oyu and your family...soon you will all be together!

Stacy said...

We continue to pray for you and specifically, that God would move to bring your Ethiopian daughter HOME.

Praising God with you for the HIGH! May He tremendously bless that fundraiser and give you MORE than you even need to make up the balance. Trusting Him on your behalf, my friend. Hold on- He'll do it.

mom said...

I can't think of a better place to let the tears flow than in the midst of sisters in the Lord who can uplift you in prayer and give you a hug! {{{Kimmie}}} And honestly, doesn't the Lord want us to come to the end of ourselves so we can know Him more fully, deeply, completely?

I'm praying for you! Wish I could hug you in person!

Tammy ~@~

Kristen said...

Remember that faith is when you know, even though you can't see. It's not a feeling (thankfully), cause I know you don't feel really great right now. However, faith is a knowing. My dad used to say, "My knower (brain), knows!". Sometimes we mistakenly think that salvation is all about the heart and not about logic. Not true, when we realize that God's way is the ONLY way, then we can be at peace with His pathway.
Psalm 57:1 is my 'go-to' verse. Read it and then rest, sheltered by His wing. Knowing, this too shall pass.

Saminda said...

You are so deeply on my heart, friend. I too am thinking, thinking, praying, about how I can help some more. Keep hanging on, we'll get there!

Love to you tonight,
Saminda xoxoxo :)

SinginginHisName said...

Praying for you all Kimmie! That is so great you will be able to raise the money to bring her home! Anything is possible with God!

Dardi said...

I "get it" about not liking to come undone in front of people, but I have to be honest with you. Several years ago I was part of a group where that would happen to me. Now, I desperately miss having that safe, loving place to be "real" whether it's through praising or lamenting.

I pray that your strength is renewed & that joy fills your heart knowing that you are not alone on your journey!

SUNSHINE said...

Loving you and yours

Jenny said...

Praying for your family..just used pay pal for the $ we promised..sorry it took so long, we had a suprise medical bill come up. More coming w/ our tax refund and we'll keep praying for ways to help. :)

I believe God is going to suprise you with the money that opens up..unlikey places. Believing it will come..quickly. :)

Amy said...

This is one of the most humbling aspects of adoption. I wish it weren't so. I don't think it's a coincidence that many of us receive these calls when we are LEAST able to move. We are more dependent than ever for God's grace and guidance. It will come...all of it.

With Love and Prayers, sweet friend,

K. Pirkle said...

I so know how you feel. I have the exact same feelings. All we wanted was to help a child or two. All we want to do is take a child and give her hope, yet it seems like God? keeps putting road blocks in our way and I wonder why and at my weakest points, I cry out to God "don't you want another child out of the orphanage?" "can't you help us a little instead of making it harder?" I go from anger to tears to resignation, all in one day. In my heart I know that God's heart is towards the orphan and I know that of course He hates for any child not to have loving parents and that someday I will realize that He was working things out for us. But at this point, after two countries closing and losing over $15,000 to a failed adoption, I am spent. That is soooo much money to us. And we have spent the last 1 1/2 years trying to pay it off and it seems like when we get some money something happens (for example I have over $2000 in dental work to do after insurance pays) That just puts us farther from our goal. And I hate to bring up our adoption to other people because #1 I feel like our adoption story will turn people away from adoption #2 It is depressing to say over and over again "still paying off the last one" #3 I feel like people don't really care too much either way about it.
So my husband and I silently grieve and budget and try to find ways to make it work and try to keep up the excitement instead of getting bogged down in the awful depressiveness of our particular situation.
Thanks for listening and I am greatful that there is one person I know who feels like I do. Good luck with your fundraiser. You are an inspiration.

Anna said...

Praying for you, Kimmie. The cattle on a thousand hills, you know!

Lisa said...

Hi Kimmie, thanks for visiting my blog.Your precious children are so gorgeous..You are certainly blessed!!I am a mum of six and I love have a large family. Your Ethiopian little girl is delightful!So very very cute...what a treasure!God bless you... Lisa

Lisa said...

I have just had a read of this post.Kimmie I had so relate to what you are feeling.I have to say that when we step out and do Gods will it isnt always the easiest road..it is often very difficult.My hubby and I had a sterilisation reversal..believing that we were stepping into Gods will for our lives.We now have two reversal babies....but we met up with many challenges....they were tuff..financial was among them.

I was a homeschooling mum for nearly 7 years. I had to give it up. I was burnt out. I was weary. We were at the end of the road. I understand the pressure you are feeling. Our precious Lord stands there right beside us..leading and guiding..showing His precious hand in small but very meaningful ways.

2009 for us was a dreadful year. I have two children that have turned their backs on the Lord and we found out my hubby has a form of luekemia...Our world has tipped upside down...but through it all I can say that the Lord has been there. He is so gracious and has been upholding us in the storm. Be encouraged, my friend. When we are weak He is STRONG.

I have friends that have adopted from another country. They had many many hurdles to cross..sometimes they just wanted to give up but they now have their 3 children..it took a battle to get there but they have now recieved the prize...I saw the pain, the tears that my friend went through but God had it all planned out...His ways a so very perfect and so is His timing.

I will remember you and your family in my prayers..

God bless you


Angel said...

I'm praying for you too, Kimmie. Still hoping for my Avon website to take off so I can help w/ your needed finances. I did have 3 orders, so at least I will be sending you something. Praying to be able to give more!!! Unfortunately, all our assets are tied up in building a house now. I know God will answer your prayers!!


Brooke and Brian said...

Hey. I saw your comment on my blog. Is your daughter in Wolisso now? I may have met her.

Mrs. MK said...

Our family continues to pray for you and your family and your new daughter..DAILY!

EEEEMommy said...

May your tears bring forth the joy that you heart truly desires as you embrace your daughter in your arms. How great and mighty and compassionate is our God to send you one who can lift up your arms when you can no longer do it. His strength truly is made manifest in our weakness. May He continue to show Himself faithful and be glorified in every step of this adoption. Praise Adonai!

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