Sep 27, 2010

It's Okay to be Needy-Chapter 3

Chapter 3-It's Okay to be Needy

I'll go first and then you jump in to this weeks discussion...

This weeks chapter, touched a cord in my heart when I read it.  It made me see a major problem I have.  I realize that I have made myself safe-guarded from possible hurt and rejection, by not being needy. 

Ask anyone that knows me, needy is not what you would here from them, if it passed from their lips it would have the word NOT attached to it.  As I read how, Lisa Whelchel, began to feel needy and begin to take great courage to step out into a new friendship stating her need, it made me weak in the knees. 

I realized that the un-needy-ness in my life, is not due to absolute sufficiency, but from fear.  I am ultimately afraid to appear needy, as this would open me up to rejection. 

"What would be so bad about that?" you may be asking.

Well, ultimately it hurts.  I am not sure where this fear of rejection began.  I can't put my finger on it, perhaps it is because I have always felt that I have fallen short of others expectations.  Not putting yourself out into *needy*,
keeps you (me) safe from the pain of rejection, 
of disappointment, 
and from hurting in those deep quiet places that reside within us.  

But ultimately it makes us more broken, more isolated and causes me so many tears.

Really, it is silly.  I have been bought with a price, my life is quite valued by One who paid the highest price to call me His own. (if you don't know what I am talking about, email me and I will share more on who Jesus is and what He did for you and for me.)  

Though I read it, over and over again in the Bible, still something inside of me believes; somehow it doesn't apply to me.  Somehow He didn't really mean me when He said it.  

How could I ever believe such a lie?  How could it have ever taken such a deep rooting in my heart and mind?  

Roots it does have, but it is fall planting time and time to uproot what isn't bearing any more fruit.  

Rejection-loneliness-fear NEED to go.

I am wrestling, believe me I want O_U_T out of this false belief and into a full revelation of who I am in Christ (where LOVE always rules and fear is cast away.)

I can totally relate to Lisa saying she was ever so close to a breakdown, some days my heart is so heavy, I think I won't be able to bear up in the weight of the desire of my heart to have intimate deep friendships.  The kind of friendship where I am free to be me, without me holding myself back, free to experience the full joys of friendship, without the worry of not being wanted or needy eventually.  Past the fear of where I am standing now. 

Though I don't think I am in fear, I must be, as I am anywhere but free and still am not walking in what I hope to with my friends.

Some ideas Lisa shares in hopes of giving us a kick start to opening up our NEED:

  • find a friend (or friends) and pray for each other...pray for 3 specific things for a given time for each other. (Lisa suggests you exchange small tokens with each other as reminders to pray.)  Meet for lunch at the end of your prayer time to talk about how God has answered those prayers.
  • find a Bible study to join- invite a friend to go with you. (or dare to make a new friend!)
  • invite a few friends for a weekend getaway...time alone to work on matters of the heart.
  • set aside a day to talk (in depth) and pray with a handful of friends. (make it a priority in your lives)
  • call a friend and share something that has been stirring in your heart, rather than keeping it to yourself, and making it another isolated inner experience.
  • take an overview of your life, find 3 things you can cut out to make room for growing friendships.

    Waiting to hear from you 
    ...hoping all of you will jump in and share your hearts too!
    (it only takes a minute to reread the chapter or just to comment on what I have reminded you of from the chapter).


    Amy said...

    I am so afraid to share my heart with others because I am afraid they will judge me, but I'm always the first to encourage others when they are hurting...why is that??

    Stacy said...

    I am this way, too, Kimmie. I recognize it as self-preservation in myself. Ugh.

    I think this such a good step for you- to even be reading through this book, discussing it, and acknowledging YOUR NEED! Good job, friend.

    I SO wish we lived closer...


    Amrita said...

    Coping with rejection has been a major struggle in my life too Kimmie . It s my first childhood memory.

    So I 've tried to firewall myself by being un-needy.

    I liked this post

    Anonymous said...

    Oddly enough, I find myself in the opposite position. I feel that I tend to open-up too much. Often thinking that I appear too needy because others don't seem to need me the way that I need them.

    Friendship has always been vitally important to me in my life. Having two little ones added to my life in the past five years has changed the way my friendships function. Time is just not available like it used to be. Throw-in an out-of-state move into the mix and I am aching for a close friend or two.

    There is one thing that God has gently shown me in the last few weeks. That is that my deep desire to be known here in this new place has been my sole focus rather than trying to know others. It's now my goal to ask questions of people in an effort to know and just be known.

    ~Julie S.

    Stace said...

    I am willing to be needy. I am willing to be open. My fear is... I guess rejection. I don't know how to label it. About four years ago, a great couple left our church and it felt like "divorce" to me. Then two other couples left -- one as missionaries and one to further schooling... not divorce but still was a bit of a triple-whammy. I haven't found anyone since then to be REAL with... wait... that sounds like fear of abandonment?? It is HARD WORK to find the right friend. What if I go through it all and they leave... HMMMMM. Hadn't really put my finger on it until right now. Something to pray about.

    Karen said...

    Definitely is hard for me to be "needy"...I have actually found it easier with my friends who are distant and we communicate more via email. At the same time, with my husband gone a lot, it has forced me to depend on others to meet needs. But as for my innermost needs/desires...I'm very protective. Even while I realize that everyone has times of neediness and I'm allowed to also!

    Anonymous said...

    I am in a new city/state and have no friends yet. I met a woman last night at my son's sports event. I was so overwhelmed to be able to talk to a woman face to face that I rattled on as if I had a disorder!!

    In the past, when I have shared my heart or difficulties with others, it seemed to have slammed some doors shut. One time I was at a bible study and I shared a difficult time I had and how the Lord had taken me out/through it. A gutsy move for someone who relishes privacy. A woman came up to me afterwards and said I could replace her as the "Drama Queen" of the group now.

    Self Preservation? No, I see it as "putting those things behind" from now on. I really don't want to share past struggles or present ones, for that matter. I try to only be "needy" in the Lord. How do others cope who don't have Him to go to? Ever patient, unwilling to abandon, big-arm-wrapping, unconditional loving, friend and Father...

    I really really respect you for giving this a huge whirl, Kimmie. You're one brave lady and WAY ahead of me. You are inspiring!

    disjourney said...

    Wow Kimmie, this chapter really struck a cord with me as well. I thought I had come a long way until I read this chapter. Reading this brought a few tears as I realized how much of my true self I've held back from people for fear of turning them away. I realize that I have no problem giving in a friendship, but receiving has always been difficult for me. It's freeing to let people know that I really don't have it all together as I think I do.

    Debbie Doughty said...

    I think rejection is something we all struggle with sooner or later. It has been discouraging and painful for me to reach out for friendship in various ways with no success so far. I pray God will answer this desire of my heart eventually. In the mean time, I cherish the friendships I do have. Who knows, with a little more nurturing and prayer one of them may develop into the kind of deep friendship I long for.

    Kimmie said...

    Hi Diana;

    Hmmm, I think you are very sweet and I am glad God made us friends.

    Last week I had a dream in it God spoke a word four times to me...I don't remember the dream at all...but the word was "reciprocate." Honestly, I mentioned it to my friend Beth and she said, "Yeah, you know you can give and give, but receiving you are just bad at. We can never do anything for you (meaning you are not needy ever!)."

    I actually went to the dictionary to see if there was something about the word, that I didn't understand (some other meaning). Not sure what the Lord is saying, other than I need to open up my true *neediness* and step away from my *false* NO needs *Kimmie.*


    Kimmie said...

    To all...

    And...Let's not be anonymous during this *sign in* and share posting. It is important that we can get to know each other (as much as a computer relationship can allow-) so we can uphold each other and that it can feel like a safe environment for ALL of us...OKAY??

    So please sign your comments...xoxo


    Thoughts on Life and Millinery. said...

    I discovered early on that being tall meant that everyone thinks I am super capable. When I express a need, I generally get a "buck up!" sort of reply or else a "let me run your life now" sort of response. A few friends manage to strike a balance there. Oddly, people always seem to be telling me their life stories, their trials and sorrows, and then they act quite taken aback if later I wish to do the same.

    Not sure what that is all about. I do know as I get older (56 years old) I am less interested in "rescuing" people, more about "ignorance is bliss" than wanting to know the A to Z of someone I barely know. It is a boundary issue, that much I know.

    Expat Mom said...

    This one really rings true for me. The worst part is that it's not an unfounded fear . . . the few times I have opened up to people, they were so quick to shut me down or criticize that I just don't bother anymore.

    Renata said...

    I completely understand what you are saying Kimmie, because I am like you. People think I can handle anything - yikes even my hubby thinks I can handle anything - but deep down inside I just feel like a lonely little girl at times.
    OK I'm crying - thanks for sharing about this chapter & I'm going to buy this book when I see it here - although I may cry my way through it.
    God bless

    Roselawn said...

    I find that when I feel the "neediest" it is when I am trusting God the least. At that point I need to remind myself that God wants to be my best friend and that He should be all I need. No one will ever be able to fulfill me like He can. Even so, God knows that He created us for human relationships with others and wants to fill our longing for this. He knows the desires of my heart, so I need to trust that He will lead me to those who will be what I need at that time in my life. When I get afraid of rejection, I remind myself of all the rejection he suffered for me. He knows what I feel, and it helps to realize that.

    Cathy said...

    There are different views out there about neediness I guess. One view is that if you are needy, people don't want to be your friend. I find that often friends often give the uncomfortable vibe if I just share openly (am needy). Maybe I am on guard because of a lot of rejection in this area. I don't know. Then, there are those psychologists and Christian leaders that say you should approach friendships from an attitude of giving and not of neediness. I don't know.

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