Jan 29, 2013

When God Closes A Womb-Infertility Insight

Infertility it was not something I was born with. 

 Barrenness, a painful word to my heart and soul, is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Yet there, after the birth of my first daughter, was a moment when I was still in my 20's that I was standing in my tiny, vintage, cape, kitchen ~when I knew that the Lord came and closed my womb.


 I'd say.

  But without a doubt, the moment it happened I knew.  Can't tell you how, only that the Holy Spirit that lives within me let me know that it had happened.

Actually, if we go back to an even early time, as I gave birth to my daughter, a knowing came over me that this would be the only child who came from my womb.  Yet, then as I nursed her and cherished the time and pondered the fact that this *thought* had come into my heart, still I refused to believe it.

 Not that I ever thought for a moment that it hadn't been God who had told me.  Still, I wrestled for many years over being barren, knowing that God had spoken it- 
in order for me to rest in it.

Rest in it? 

 If you are dealing with infertility, whether or not it has been confirmed by God for you or not; rest and infertility don't seem to be very compatible bed mates. And for me they weren't.  For many years, I actively pursued medical intervention.  We hired the best specialist that our area offered, the slogan that went with this doctor, which is pretty funny:  If Dr. Katz can't get you pregnant...

Well, he couldn't.  Drugs, tests, more drugs, several surgeries, all kinds of probing and poking, waiting and expecting, only to have my heart dashed again with the realization that again pregnancy had not happened.

And then...
I surrendered.

Surrendered it all to God.

I stopped seeking help, other than from my heavenly Father. 
I threw up my hand (and my barren womb) to my Father, telling Him that I was more than done trying.  I didn't have anything left to chase after.  Done, emotionally, done physically and nearly done spiritually- dark days for this girl.

Now as you have read at the top of this page, I have 7 beautiful children that came to my Knight and I through adoption.  So God does answer prayer????

Yes, sometimes just not the way we are expecting or asking.

He opened the door just a few days after my surrender.  Our first adoption road, totally foreign to us, but totally un-foreign to the Father who closed my womb, to make a path to my children.  

I'd like to say that after this first adoption, that I did rest in knowing He had a plan for my life.  But Scripture tells us that a barren womb never shuts up (well, that is my version).  And I can attest that it is true.

 Back to the doctors I went...and still knowing that God had said that this homemade one would be the only homemade child that would come from my seed.  Still I tried to water any seed that might be lurking waiting for me to find it and breathe life into it.  Ridiculous as I think of it now, but urgent when I attempted with the medical field urging me to HURRY!

God isn't it to hurry.  Actually He is more like the God of wait.  Which is a lot like the God of rest.

If you my friend are standing in the field of infertility and barrenness, my heart is with you.  My wisdom from the field God has planted me in now, tells me to share this, in hopes of sparing you from walking a road that leads not to your dreams, but only more delays.

  Release your womb to God, let Him come and show you the plans He has for you.  Allow Him to give you the children He has destined for you.  Whatever He tells you, will be perfect for you.  It may be hard to wrap your heart around, to truly surrender to. But offering Him our will, or our womb,  isn't like picking which cereal to buy in the cereal aisle. 

 It is truly a surrender-
a putting up of the white flag 
and then standing alone in the field He has you in
and waiting for Him to come and show you the way.

Don't lose heart or soul from this.  Seek His face, seek His heart, seek His plan for your life-
anything else will not bring you rest or joy. Just bitterness of heart and spirit. Many years I wasted in bitterness of why I couldn't activate my seed, it was just wasted time.  Well, it did bring me to my knees- which never is wasted, but I share this so you will dig deep and see who it is that is causing you to make the decisions and plans you are currently following after.  Is it Him.  Or is it you?  Hard to ask, but the answer you find will help you to come to the place of surrender, to the field of peace that He wants to offer you.

May His rest be yours and may you find it and dwell in it quickly.


Rhonda said...

No, I have not been barren, but this "spirit breathed" post spoke to me as well. I feel like I should say, "WOW", those words were from the Lord. Those images you took us to see, from His heart.

I'm gonna read it again. ♥

christina said...

praying for you today dear friend!
btw, you made a guest appearance on my blog today. <3

Anonymous said...

AMEN! It is definitely a very hard road to travel alone, and surrendering it to God is alot harder then it sounds like it should be... I am barren as well, I have never had the privilege to experience being a mommy. I still have moments that i struggle with it, but its then that i surrender and beg God for mercy and a content soul. Thanks for sharing Kimmie!

Love and prayers to you

The Queen of Brussels Sprouts said...

Agreed end. Did you know it took me 7 years to have dd #1? So sorry you have felt this sting.

covnitkepr1 said...

So often Christians sing the invitational "I surrender all" and have never REALLY surrendered anything.

Just checking back for any new items you may have posted.
I left a note of invitation in the comment section on one of your past posts’ and invited you to follow my blog. Just in case it was accidently overlooked, just want you to know the invitation is still very much valid…and of course, I am already following your blog.

Saminda said...

Beautifully said Kimmie. Much much love to you.. :) xxx

Renata said...

Hello Kimmie
I actually read this a few days ago & couldn't comment for crying too much. You described me perfectly when you wrote:
'Done, emotionally, done physically and nearly done spiritually- dark days for this girl.'"
I know I haven't really shared with you about our journey, but needless to say it's been hard this last couple of years & especially this past few months.
Thank you for sharing your heart ~ it can't have been easy.
Renata XO

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