Inspiration!

 

Zechariah and Elizabeth

Expanded Bible

⁵ During the time ·Herod ruled Judea [^Lof Herod, king of Judea], there was a priest named Zechariah who belonged to ·Abijah’s group [the priestly division/order of Abijah; ^Cpriests were divided into twenty-four divisions; 2 Chr. 31:2]. Zechariah’s wife, Elizabeth, came from the ·family [^Ldaughters; ^Cfemale descendants] of Aaron [^Cbrother of Moses and first high priest of Israel; for a priest like Zechariah to marry a woman of priestly ancestry was a special blessing]. ⁶ [^LBoth] Zechariah and Elizabeth ·truly did what God said was good [^Lwere righteous before God]. They ·did [followed; walked in] everything the Lord commanded and were ·without fault [blameless] in keeping his ·law [regulations; requirements]. ⁷ But they had no children, because Elizabeth ·could not have a baby [could not conceive; ^Twas barren], and both of them were very old [Gen. 17:17; 18:11].

A friend of mine sent me a note, in it said she was praying for me and hoped my heart

 wasn't too sore or tender 

( from the adoption journey). I began with 'I am fine', but a few sentences into my correspondence with her, and revelation came that I am nursing a wounded heart. 

Perhaps I knew, but had I buried it, rather deep I must say.

 Later, God directed me to this passage of Scripture, and the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart.  I hadn't realized I was carrying a wounded heart in regards to some of this, but as I read I could feel emotion rising up in my chest. 

You see when you step out to follow God, and He seemingly goes missing, doubt jumps in and tells you how you missed Him.  It jabs you and makes you believe that you aren't walking where God meant for you to walk.  It begins to whisper, then eventually scream, that you are lost and that hopes of finding the way are slim, because look at the mess you've gotten yourself in.  It lies and tells you He has forgotten you. 

 Or worse, that He doesn't care. 

The Word said this to me in correction to that voice (which is not the Lord's)...

Look at these two.  They were serving me.  They were in right standing before me. (holy and righteous) They had the lineage and the life, that backed up who it was they were following.  

They both had wounds, but they served me.  Others didn't know or understand their wounds, but I did. I see the heart after all.

 You see I had a plan.  They were serving Me and loving Me.  They did what they believed and lived wholeheartedly, what they knew. 

  I saw their wounds from being childless.  I saw it come on them with increasing pain as the time wore on in their lives.  I didn't leave them, though personally they wondered why I withheld the blessing (of children) from them.  They wrestled with some of the very same things you have fought in your mind and heart. In time, the wound buried itself deep, they gave up the cry to me, they buried the hope of their dream and desire ever coming true.  But they continued on, trusting me, but living with the pain that lied deep within.

 Do you see I had a plan.  Do you see the blessing had to wait.  Do you know that I am the One who holds the blessings and decides when they should arrive.  Remember dear child, my timing is perfect.  You are not lost; live to serve me, love me and love those in your path.  Don't hold back from loving me and stop listening to the voice that makes you doubt.  That voice isn't mine and never would I send my beloved child into a place of fear of being forgotten. 

 I know. 

 I see and I know what is best for you and those you are crying out for.  Trust me, you will see.

Sharing this, because sharing is what real friends do.  

When God Closes A Womb-Infertility Insight

Infertility it was not something I was born with. 

 Barrenness, a painful word to my heart and soul, is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Yet there, after the birth of my first daughter, was a moment when I was still in my 20's that I was standing in my tiny, vintage, cape, kitchen ~when I knew that the Lord came and closed my womb.

weird.

 I'd say.

  But without a doubt, the moment it happened I knew.  Can't tell you how, only that the Holy Spirit that lives within me let me know that it had happened.

Actually, if we go back to an even early time, as I gave birth to my daughter, a knowing came over me that this would be the only child who came from my womb.  Yet, then as I nursed her and cherished the time and pondered the fact that this *thought* had come into my heart, still I refused to believe it.

 Not that I ever thought for a moment that it hadn't been God who had told me.  Still, I wrestled for many years over being barren, knowing that God had spoken it- 
in order for me to rest in it.

Rest in it? 

 If you are dealing with infertility, whether or not it has been confirmed by God for you or not; rest and infertility don't seem to be very compatible bed mates. And for me they weren't.  For many years, I actively pursued medical intervention.  We hired the best specialist that our area offered, the slogan that went with this doctor, which is pretty funny:  If Dr. Katz can't get you pregnant...

Well, he couldn't.  Drugs, tests, more drugs, several surgeries, all kinds of probing and poking, waiting and expecting, only to have my heart dashed again with the realization that again pregnancy had not happened.

And then...

I surrendered.

Really

Surrendered it all to God.

I stopped seeking help, other than from my heavenly Father. 

I threw up my hand (and my barren womb) to my Father, telling Him that I was more than done trying.  I didn't have anything left to chase after.  Done, emotionally, done physically and nearly done spiritually- dark days for this girl.

Now as you have read at the top of this page, I have 7 beautiful children that came to my Knight and I through adoption.  So God does answer prayer????

Yes, sometimes just not the way we are expecting or asking.

He opened the door just a few days after my surrender.  Our first adoption road, totally foreign to us, but totally un-foreign to the Father who closed my womb, to make a path to my children.  

I'd like to say that after this first adoption, that I did rest in knowing He had a plan for my life.  But Scripture tells us that a barren womb never shuts up (well, that is my version).  And I can attest that it is true.

 Back to the doctors I went...and still knowing that God had said that this homemade one would be the only homemade child that would come from my seed.  Still I tried to water any seed that might be lurking waiting for me to find it and breathe life into it.  Ridiculous as I think of it now, but urgent when I attempted with the medical field urging me to HURRY!

God isn't it to hurry.  Actually He is more like the God of wait.  Which is a lot like the God of rest.

If you my friend are standing in the field of infertility and barrenness, my heart is with you.  My wisdom from the field God has planted me in now, tells me to share this, in hopes of sparing you from walking a road that leads not to your dreams, but only more delays.

  Release your womb to God, let Him come and show you the plans He has for you.  Allow Him to give you the children He has destined for you.  Whatever He tells you, will be perfect for you.  It may be hard to wrap your heart around, to truly surrender to. But offering Him our will, or our womb,  isn't like picking which cereal to buy in the cereal aisle. 

 It is truly a surrender-
a putting up of the white flag 
and then standing alone in the field He has you in
and waiting for Him to come and show you the way.

Don't lose heart or soul from this.  Seek His face, seek His heart, seek His plan for your life-
anything else will not bring you rest or joy. Just bitterness of heart and spirit. Many years I wasted in bitterness of why I couldn't activate my seed, it was just wasted time.  Well, it did bring me to my knees- which never is wasted, but I share this so you will dig deep and see who it is that is causing you to make the decisions and plans you are currently following after.  Is it Him.  Or is it you?  Hard to ask, but the answer you find will help you to come to the place of surrender, to the field of peace that He wants to offer you.

May His rest be yours and may you find it and dwell in it quickly.

Moving Away from Home

This is a little memo to my heart and for you my friends... in just a few short moments, my homemade daughter will be leaving. 

 She is flying across the country, far far from the only home she has know.  She is happy.  We are happy too, as she will be going to make her home with her husband.  Her husband has been in the Middle East (Qatar) serving for the past 6 months in the Air Force.  They got married in May, he flew out a week later. She has been waiting home at with us; to which we are most thankful.  

We love our girl.  My heart is torn because of this love.  She is so much like me that I feel like I am losing a bit of myself in her leaving.  We have been inseparable until now.  Not that we aren't both individuals, but our hearts were firmly sewn, so carefully over the years, together.

 Perhaps it was homeschooling her from the beginning, or perhaps it was because children came so very hard to me.  Maybe it was because her name means consecrated to God, because she was a miracle.  We trusted God from the moment we found out that the miracle of "her" had happened.  We dedicated her back to Him from us first hearing that we were to have a daughter.  It was about trust then and I am learning that is still true today.

December 17th she will be leaving home.  I find myself holding her tight at each time I can manage.  I hold her extra tight, even my eyes are squeezed tight, so tight that little droplets find their way out and drip down this Mama's cheeks, making wet spots on wherever they happen to land.  

We adore her Beloved.  He is ours too.  But for now they will be in a far away land.  Too far for holding tight and too far for stitches holding hearts together-side by side anyway.

  She is a woman.  It happens so fast and kind of sneaks up on you. I got a glimpse of it back in the garden, as she slipped gracefully toward the altar on the arm of her handsome Papa.  The Holy Spirit whispered, "You need to let her fly."  I knew He was right, but just didn't know when that moment would be right.  Then I knew.

I am a very blessed Mama.  As I say it I am crying.  God allowed me to raise not only a beautiful 21 year old daughter, but a kindred spirit.  I will miss her something awful.  It will be hard, but God's grace will help us all through this transition.  My beautiful girl will set up house on an Air Force base with the man God's hand picked for her.  They will begin their journey He intended from them, before He ever even gave her to me.  

Love is good.  But love hurts.  Trust is good, but trust stretches us in ways sometimes we never imagine.  

When she leaves she will know she is loved. She knows how proud we are of her and how she has chose to live her life honoring the One we love.  She will know we are grateful for having her as ours and that whether near or far, she is always to be ours and very very loved.  

Life changes and God walks us through it.

Infertility~a barren woman's cry...

for Shalom

A Barren Woman's Cry for Shalom

(Shalom-Hebrew for wholeness)

Oh Father, closer of my womb;

Help bitterness to not be my companion,

Help me to keep my heart clean

and not live with resentment.

Lord, the enemy is trying to discourage me,

He is telling me lies.

His lies are hot on my back.

Those lies are causing my heart to ache.

Lord, help me to live fully in your Truth.

The truth is you love me and haven't forsaken me.

The truth is you have spoken adoption over my life.

Truth is, though we haven't been chosen yet by a birthmother,

that we will.

Heart of mine, believe the truth and not the lies.

Father hold on to me.

Lord, I need some encouragement.

Please.

I 

ask

in 

Jesus' 

Mighty

Name.

Amen.

The End of a New Day

The baby woke up crying, several hours after her bedtime.  Our 13 year old Ethiopian came downstairs rubbing her eyes, telling us she was crying.  We hadn't heard her, but her loving sister had and came to tell us we were needed.

My Knight made our Baby Mercy, some juice in a sippy cup and also brewed her a cup of tea with honey.  As we sat in the dark living room, sipping her beverage of choice, she confiscated her Papa's flashlight.  She turned it on with help and played happily in the dark, her breathing slightly labored, but captivated by the soft glow of the flashlight.

She eventually drifted my way and skooched her hand up to look at my belly button.  She was giggling as she studied it.  It made me think of the years of my infertility treatments.  It brought back memories of laparoscopies and all the poking I endured for a decade in hopes of pregnancy that never came. 

Tonight a tiny brown hand poked at my scars and pondered my belly button with her dim little light.  Funny, but suddenly a light went on in my spirit that I never knew was there, a light of understanding that all of that infertility treatment and its failures, brought me to one of the greatest successes of my life-my sweet Ethiopian daughter Mihret.

Thank you God for giving me infertility.  Thank you for calling me to adoption, even prior to finding out that I had secondary infertility.  Thank you for giving me the answers to my prayers in the 8 beautiful children that call me Mama.

I'm going to bed, not sure if it will be for the night, as the baby is sick...but now that the light is on deep within in that hurting place that often I hide; I think sleep, however long, will be sweet indeed.

So What if my Jeans are Tight...

Okay, this picture has NOTHING to do with my post, but these are my favorite pants on Princess Mercy (I made them!) and as it matches her top...

well, humor me will you?

As I got dressed yesterday, I noticed that my jeans had gotten a little small. Now, usually this might bother me a tad, but not this time. Why? Not because I love tight jeans or anything...or that fact that I couldn't even zip the first pair I tried on...

but,

because the Holy Spirit whispered,

*What do you expect, you are expecting!*

I giggled a little out loud.

"Yeah, from Ethiopia, a near 12 year old Lord."

Perhaps it is time to push away from the chips and salsa at night. Oh how I love fiery salsa loaded with cilantro. Or maybe I should just enjoy my pregnancy of sorts and remember that I may even be eating for three. We are still open to God bringing home more than just our Princess Sweetness. Of course eating for two requires a few extra chips and maybe some avocado thrown in for good measure, right? We want this to be a healthy pregnancy don't we? (did you notice that I am sucking you into this equation?)

Don't you think?

So if you see me; smile and tell me~ my *pregnancy* is beginning to show!

I'll smile, don't be afraid!

Thoughts on Infertility

Infertility is a demon. I share this post today, in hopes that you will know you are not alone. Others too have walked this path. Our hope is in God alone. Though the darkness seems to be overwhelming, the truth is that it has already been defeated by our Savior (Jesus). Even in the silence He speaks, though you hear it not. He is saying over and over,

"I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU."

This is taken from my journal -April 12th, 2001. God was in the midst of writing my story, He still is...He wants to write yours too, will you trust Him?

The Prison of a Barren Woman

O' Soul of mine~

Crying out day and night;

Through endless array of years,

Always heavy and deeply dismayed.

Barrenness it has become-

A Barred Prison I dwell in;

Surrounded by prayers, tears and darkness,

No peace for my heart has been found.

Days fly by,

Trying and waiting once more;

Year upon year and prayer upon prayer,

Seeking, knocking, O' where is the Door?

He promised to come, to answer us,

Time gladly contributes it's weight;

Passion only grows, where desire is,

No one around me relates.

I stand an emotional wreck, holding back tears,

Many babies have arrived-none for me;

I smile, bless them, holding control,

Alone again, my heart and soul rend.

I know that I know, for God said long ago,

'A baby will come, here is her name...'

The vision now dim, the silence eternal,

Month after year, barren, the same.

They label it secondary infertility,

Surgery, tests, shots, drugs;

Hopes rise again to be dashed,

My doctor manages a shrug.

'God, are you there?'

What could I have done?

Will this wait never end?

My heart weighs a ton.

Darkness covers my days, I ponder~

How much longer will this devil called Infertility-

direct my thoughts and paths?

I pray for God's hand and tranquility.

My knees bend once again,

My empty arms rise;

The only answer seems to be,

Days lifted in prayerful cries.

God is good and Darkness is fleeting,

I repeat the words, claiming their Truth;

I learn patience and trust along this darkened path,

I'll wait, resting in His love, for it soothes.

An Upsetting Dream

If you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you know I have a passion for orphans.

My Knight and I are standing in a place currently, where we are seeking God on *who* He wants us to adopt. Basically, we are asking Him to tell us in detail whether a sibling group or a baby from Ethiopia. We are pretty sure He is leading us back to Ethiopia, but we of course will be listening for any and all specifics. We don't have the money needed for another adoption, honestly, we never had in any of our adoptions. We have always seen Him make a way-with each adoption we've needed to rely more and more on Him, as we've already given all we have. How exciting is that, to wait expectantly for $30,000 if it is a sibling group!

Last night I had a dream, it broke my heart- I need to share it today. It was about 2 children who are yet to be mine? Prophetic, perhaps?

In the dream we are sitting in a semi circle of folding chairs. They are set up outside, most of the chairs are empty. Way down on the left side are 4 children, all about the same age. Two are mine, two are not. The two who are not say to my two, "Our mothers told us the only reason you are here, is that your parents are dead.'

The mothers were sitting on the far right end of the chairs, totally unaware that their 'conversations' were out of the bag and that I had heard.

Now it might have been true, that their birth parents were dead, but the fact was that what those two children said, was just plain mean. My children sat there stunned, hurt and without words. I could see their eyes swelling with tears, that they valiantly tried to hold back.

I, on the other hand began to weep uncontrollably. I was standing to the back of the chairs, enough distant back that no one could see me. My tears flowed at the cruel words that had stung my children's heart. Words that couldn't be taken away, a hurt that only God could heal. No one came to comfort them, no one came to comfort me. I was stuck and unable to move. I couldn't stop crying, the pain from the tears was wrenching my heart- I thought it might literally burst open.

Then I woke up. An hour later, and still my stomach feels sick from it.

Would you pray for my family? Would you consider adding us to your prayer list. We sure do need to hear from heaven on our adoption, that will begin in October.

As a woman who has had years of infertility, my heart longs for a tiny baby. I don't want to decide based on my *wants,* I want to clearly hear from heaven...as His will is better than mine. How do I know? Well, let's just say that 4 of my children came at 3.5, 3, 4 and 5...at times in my life when I was *desperate* for a baby. I had to set aside my will during these adoptions, to say 'Yes,' to His perfect and pleasing will. AND I am so glad that I did, I worked my way away from the tears of *no tiny baby* and opened my heart to the older *babies* He destined for me. They were perfect for our family, chosen by God and we couldn't love them more.

My heart's cry is more of You Lord, less of me. Pressing deeper into my soul, deeper into prayer and tuning my ears to my Father's voice-knowing that He will leads us on roads of righteousness for His namesake. Seeking Wisdom and reading this today with more tears:

seeking God's will

and

Peace only He can give me

Love is....

Love is: (my list of 10)

Adoption

seven children (for now ;-)

having a faithful loving husband

knowing God

knowing the voice of the Holy Spirit

friends

a baby after years of secondary infertility

cloth diapers

spring flowers

my camera (Nikon D40)

What are your ten?

Why your Vote counts...little lives depend on it

3 minutes...life....vote...your vote will be priceless!

Choose a man who Jesus will say...'Well done my good and faithful servant.'

Jesus would never choose abortion.

And pregnancy Mr. Obama is not a punishment, it is a blessing, because only God can give life and also, He is the only one who can take it.

John McCain believes life begins at conception, he also is a supporter of adoption.

God speaks

I confess that I have been overwhelmed.

Thursday, mid-day I got into my jammies and announced to my kids that I needed to lay down. I hoped to sleep, but it never came. I asked God to let me sleep, as I just needed a break from all that my mind and heart were carrying. As I said, sleep didn't come, so I lay in my bed, very numb. Numb from so much crying, I'd assume.

I asked God if this was depression I was fighting. In the silence God told me this, very simple but so helpful:

Kimmie, depression is fixed on looking back. Anxiety is fixed on looking forward. Peace is resting in my arms, finding comfort in the present, which do you want?

My life is usually lived in total PEACE, I don't concentrate on my yesterdays, nor live too far in advance, though I've been blessed with vision for my life from God.

Asking God to keep me in his arms and give me the strength to pray for my baby. I'd ask you, would you commit to praying for our adoption? Our agency tells us to expect to be denied in our first court date in Ethiopia; that our papers won't be ready from the Central Authority. Would you storm heaven for *Little Beauty* and for the orphans of Ethiopia? ***And, church, while you're at it, will you stand in the gap for adoptions around the globe, satan is shutting down country after country, please pray that he be stopped.

The orphans and I thank you, this is Kingdom business and we need an army of prayer warriors to come out and stand in the very obvious gap that is taking place.

I have been told that if 7% of the church (Believer's) would step forward to adopt, that there would be no more orphans. Perhaps, we could cry out for those who are called to do this, to come forward- no more delays....the devil is winning this battle and I am personally sick of it. Rise up, put on your armour and pray believing God for the orphans to receive favor and to be placed quickly into families that will raise them up for the Lord. No more delays, no more countries shutting down to adoption, no more having it be about paperwork, it NEEDs to be about the orphans!

Struggling-warning feeling grumbly

My heart is very heavy.

We got news from our adoption agency last night, that our adoption will take longer than previously expected. Seems that Ethiopia is changing some procedures, trying to slow down adoptions for several reasons. They are saying, it isn't like Guatemala...which shut down to adoptions, but *nevertheless*...my heart is struggling. I am tired of crying, I'm sick of the no control. My years of infertility are making me weep-y or maybe it is just the past experiences.

The baby boy-*Juan* on the left was to be adopted by us, it fell through and he was adopted by another family. Our hearts were broken and it was hard to move on, we loved him and he had been transitioning into our home. Guatemala closed after 2 years of waiting, switched programs and now more unknown. Trying to be positive, but honestly I am struggling.

Pondering deleting this whole thing. I detest crying about this, but can't seem to keep it down any longer.

*Little Beauty* ...I'm so sorry.

Mother Teresa's Prayer

Everywhere I go now, I find that the Holy Spirit is teaching me. All day, He gives me lessons on friendship, as I asked Him to bring me knew understanding. As I understand I will share my knowledge...hopefully we can all grow in wisdom with friendships. God has wisdom, we just need to seek Him and wait expectantly. I think over the years infertility has made me good at waiting. So I have learned to not only wait, but to wait expectantly in all things.

Before I share this poem I came across, have you asked yourself what the Lord is trying to teach you? I was talking to my girlfriend Beth today, asking her about a situation she had been struggling with over the summer. I reminded her that the Holy Spirit is always trying to show us new things, but especially when we are seeking Him on something. Let's not be in a rush to move on, but let's learn our lessons well.

Matthew 7:7 (New International Version)
Ask, Seek, Knock

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Mother Teresa's Prayer

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend year creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

Now, don't think I am growing bitter or harsh. In trying to get the proper perspective, let's begin by putting God first. We should always give our best and always, always, always~ we need to love others, as we would want to be loved.

Hard stuff, but let's try.

ClustrMaps

I am amazed at how many visitors have been by since last October (2007)-now mind you only a few of these have probably stayed to read...but how cool !

Praying that God uses my blog to reach; the lost, the hurting, the infertile, the wayward, the curious, the hardened, the lonely, the empty, the seekers, the broken, and anyone else God feels He wants to throw into the mix.

When you step out to journal your thoughts and moments into a blog, the world becomes such a small place.

... God's Kingdom come, His will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Running total of visits to the above URL since 15 Oct 2007: 19,999Total since archive, i.e. 15 Oct 2007 - present: 19,999 (not necessarily all displayed - see below). Visits on previous 'day': 67.

I feel so THIN!

Yesterday I ran into the library with 5 kids and books that were due, I somehow managed to get out of there with books only for me. I kid you not, highly unusual behavior.

As I looked at the big girl section books (also highly unusual), my eyes spotted- 'When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads.' (a pregnancy book) I saw it nestled between the other books on the shelf and the word TWINS caught my eye. I remember what the Holy Spirit had asked me to ask Him. I felt the nudge to bring the book home.

As all my kids were in bed-my Knight and I sat and read. I shuffled through this book, to see if there was anything I needed to know about this 'pregnancy' of mine. Fits of laughter and me spouting bits of multiple pregnancy knowledge to my Knight was what you would have heard.

Joy unspeakable joy-God is preparing me.

Come to find out, the normal weight gain for twins is 40-56 lbs. whehhh! As a girl who has had infertility and only one pregnancy where I gained all of 15 lbs (due to my heart condition)...I am feeling very thin today, well for an adoptive mom who is pregnant with ...well that remains to be seen.

A slew of recipes resides in the appendix of the book...titled, 'Best Recipes for Moms-to-Be of Multiples.' Let me share one...perhaps the Holy Spirit has you pregnant with something He is creating for your life. We need to take care of the spiritual as well as our physical bodies...so here goes:

Yogurt Guacamole-serves 6

3 ripe avocados (1 1/2 lbs)

1/4 tsp. ground cumin

2 cloves garlic, chopped fine

1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro (YUM)

2 tablespoons lemon juice

salt and pepper to taste

1 1/2 cups plain low-fat yogurt

6 pita breads, split

2 tablespoons medium-hot salsa (HOOK a sister UP!)

In a large bowl, mash the avocados. Stir in the remaining ingredients except the pita bread. Serve on warm pita.

Adoption update!

We just got an email from our agency, All God's Children International, we moved another number on the referral list...we are number 12! Waiting on the infant girls list, hoping for twins, open to siblings, but regardless God spoke "2" !

Twelve, 12...yeah!!

August and September are the rainy season in Ethiopia, so the courts shut down- things slow down we've been told, but hoping that referrals will still come and by October that we will get our long awaited phone call with our referral(s).

Yeah, did I say we are now number 12!! Be still my heart!

My Bountiful Garden...Prayer Request Sunday

I have to say that my two weeks off did me well. Thank you to those of you who were lifting me up in prayer. I needed a reprieve and made time to spend some quality time with the Lord. I needed to hear from Him, as my heart was getting heavy, my spiritual vision was feeling rather dim and I was weary.

God spoke to me a bit the first week-He didn't tell me anything earth moving. But that He was speaking was good, though my heart longed for something deeper and meatier. I left vacation feeling less than rested, our boys (5 and 6) were not the angels we had hoped for. We had hoped to find rest and relaxation, silly I guess, because in reality parenting is 24-7 with no holidays or vacations, right?!

Anyhow, I intended on jumping back into blogging, but my heart was so desperate for God, that I asked Him if I held off on blogging (which to me is a ministry God has given me)...that I wondered if He wouldn't bring me deeper with Him and renew my vision.

Before I left for our vacation, I came to the realization that I had no vision for this adoption we are in the midst of. I spoke to me mum about the fact that I just couldn't "see" it. You see, I am a 'seer', it is a gift that God has blessed me with-but I was coming up with nothing. My mum said it was probably due to the heartache we experienced in our Guatemalan adoption. Fear can kill your godly vision for sure. I went to my Knight and asked him if he could "see." My Knight is not a 'Seer,' though he said he can see us holding our Ethiopian children. This gave me some peace, but I needed more.

God blessed me the second week. He spoke, He spoke a lot and it definitely blessed my heart and mind.

I will share one thing He gave me:

I was reading a devotional by Hudson Taylor (Spiritual Secrets), in it it said to ask the Lord what He wanted 'me' to ask Him. Immediately as I jotted it down in my journal, the Holy Spirit reminded me of something He had spoken several months ago. He had told me to ask Him for twins.

I have to tell you that I was 'Much Afraid,' I was thinking He might be asking just to have me ask and that maybe it had nothing to do with twins. My heart is so aching for a baby after all the years of infertility and all the years I yearned for another, that I was honestly terrified to ask Him or believe Him for it.

I sat on my deck, as my youngest napped and my two oldest were entertained by their Shakespeare scripts, crying. I explained to God my fear, and reminded Him of all I had been through with the years of infertility and how I have followed Him, regardless of the longing in my heart. He told me to ask Him.

So I did.

I thought I should do something else...but He told me to close my bible, my journal and the wee devotional book and instead head into my garden. I had weeding and pruning to do, so I went at it for awhile, then I decided I should pick some flowers for the house.

As I picked a big bouquet filled with beebalm, coneflower, daisies...a nice bunch~ a fat bumblebee began drinking from my hand-held garden.

Being the nut that I am, I began speaking to the fuzzy black and yellow bloke, blessing him and inviting him to have at any or all of my garden. Of course I also prayed over his little bumblebee health, with all the bee troubles we are hearing about... I figured a little bee prayer was appropriate ;-) He mostly ignored me, he was too thirsty to mind my little pep talk-honestly it could have been a she? Then another matching bumblebee came and also began drinking out of my bouquet. I realized how unusual this was, as I hadn't seen too many bees of late, and certainly not any that would be bold enough to drink from my hand held bouquet.

Then the Lord spoke. He told me that this bouquet was my children, it was the fruit of the harvest He had for my life. The two (twin) bumblebees, were the representatives of the two He would give us next, my Ethiopian children. You know children with dark skin and wrapped in all of God's golden promises (black and yellow-get it!). He would bring them to my 'bouquet' (family) and we would see His goodness again. They would be healthy and they would flourish in our bouquet he was picking and allowing me to hold.

Yes, I was crying again.

Yes, I do have moments that I don't cry, though not many. God has made me a tender hearted girl, and one who is feeling so much better.

(As I pasted this from my clipart collection...I didn't realize their were two bumblebees! I have had this for years and God reminded me as I was writing, that I could use this, God is so cool!)

The announcement....

We are now number 13 on our waiting list, for those who are still reading. We are also nesting like crazy. I am cleaning out drawers, cupboards and anything that will let me have at it.

And...yes today is Prayer Request Sunday so....

If you stopped by for prayer...leave me a comment or send me an email, God is amazing.

Infertility thoughts

Lately, as I have been preparing for speaking on June 28th, I have been thinking about the years of my life that have been infected (yes, not affected) by infertility. I also have realized that I have shared very little about this part of my life, honestly I am not sure why. Other than perhaps that it is hard to put words around, tears are easy, words can be difficult.

Since I was a newlywed, I have known that there was a great possibility that I was infertile due to a heart condition I was diagnosed with in my twenties. A big piece of information to chew on and to carry when you are 20 and just married. I am grateful that since I was 14 I have known that adoption was part of my life. It was at 14 that I heard God speak. I can't tell you if it was the audible voice of God, or the inaudible-audible voice of God within my heart...it was so real. But at 14, God asked me to adopt children.

The slight problem I had with this is that He allowed me to get pregnant once, out of the blue and totally unexpected. I adored pregnancy, though mine was shrouded with Fear, due to the fact that I had a heart condition, that I had been on serious heart medications and had slipped from my first trimester into my second, without knowing I was pregnant. I thought all the nausea was from the new heart meds and honestly I was on birth control pills too, as my cycles were so screwy. Who knew!

The battle of infertility began afresh after my daughters birth, as then they diagnosed me with secondary infertility, like being already diagnosed as infertile wasn't enough. I spent years trying to conceive, trying and failing, even with the help of fertility specialists, numerous surgeries and fertility drugs. Until I came unraveled and honestly thought I couldn't bear up under the emotional pressure any longer.

To the end of self is always good, a heap of tears is a place where God can come and minister to you. And He did. You see, the 'Fertility Seeking Days' were not God's plan for my life, those days were all about self and Fear. My doctors had told me if I didn't seek help, I'd never get pregnant again. I couldn't see beyond those words, beyond the fear of no control, BUT God could.

When I cried out to Him, He came, He forgave me and He opened the door to our first adoption. It happened within 4 days of me puddling on the floor and crying out to Him.

I have lived as a BARREN woman for so many years, but honestly God has made me fruitful. He has taken me from Barrenness and brought me to a place of abundance. He has spoken to me and brought me out of times when I was not only physically barren, but also spiritually barren. I am still infertile, my womb is closed, sometimes it aches and calls out to me. Those days are filled with tears, sometimes the devil kicks me hard and makes me think God has forgotten me. Of course it is a lie, he is a liar and only wants to destroy us.

My hope and strength are in God. And even if my womb remains barren, I refuse to accept spiritual barrenness, this I can control and I will seek Him. You see, I am desperate for Him, for without Him I am nothing.

Prayer Request Sunday

Hey my friends, how are you? Hope you are seeking God with all of your hearts and allowing Him to make your paths straight. As, I have been praying, God has been speaking to me about Kingdom increase and my willingness to be willing. I want to be able to say, "Yes, Lord," without hesitation and with the courage to follow Him.

I would love to pray for you. Could you use some prayer, are you struggling? Whether your need is big or small, give it to God. You'll be so glad that you did.

I have been practicing my testimony and as I have been going over what I can fit into my 15 minute time slot, God has shown me some interesting things about my life. He has shown me where some of my fears have come from and how the devil has tried to use that against me.

Now that I am aware, I can give it to Him. I keep praying for Him to strengthen me and for courage.

I also have been struggling with a deep hurt. I have been asking God to reveal to me the difference between hurt and offense.

The hurt came unexpected, and as it is related to my infertility - it has really been one that has tried to embed itself into my spirit. The hurt is very real, as are the tears I have been shedding. I am in a place of not knowing what to do with the hurt. How do you walk past it or through it, when it is so painful. Well, God told me the difference between hurt and offense is what you do with it. I guess I am still working that out. I certainly don't desire the bitterness that comes with offense. I am just not feeling strong enough to make any moves.

Relationships are hard, people will hurt you and let you down-this I have learned. I do know that God is my strength. That this affliction of infertility and the heavy sorrow that comes along with it, are something He has allowed in my life. I could be offended (angry, resentful-all to which leads to sin/wrong doing) at God for this affliction, or I could let Him use it to His glory. I can tell you that I have surrendered it many times, I have cried out to Him to keep me from bitterness of heart. This is just another test to see what I will do, it is one of the hardest ones I have ever had to face. My heartache is real, God knows my grief and honestly I believe He has counted every tear that has fallen these past 15 years.

I say all of this to say, I am not perfect, I am a work of God in progress. How easy it is for God's children to stumble or to fall away. I pray that as these things arise in your own lives, that you will seek Him. He cares and desires for us to come to Him. I am going to stay on my face about this, while I'm down there, I'd be happy to cry out for you too.

2 Chronicles 6:40"Now, O my God, I pray, let Your eyes be open and Your ears attentive to the prayer {offered} in this place.