a word that causes me pain

 

Over the course of time, as some of you already know, I have suffered from infertility. Truly an ugly word, my doctors polished it up and called it ,"secondary infertility"...to describe that I had birthed one child, but no longer had that ability, for whatever reason.

Recently in prayer God directed me to Isaiah 54...it used that ugly word, not infertility, but BARREN. It used to be awful if someone used that word within my earshot, if my Pastor used the word in his message I would find myself holding back the tears, often a few would sneak past, as I tried to squeeze the others into their secret hiding place.

The word barren is so cold, so empty, so hopeless, so heavy and weighty to me. In the beginning I refused to accept it, but as time wore on and a few years became many, actually I stopped counting as it was just to painful to consider myself as truly barren.

Now I can't explain to you the longing my heart has had for a baby, it is deep and it never goes away. I have prayed and asked God to remove the desire from me, but it continues to grow stronger, sometimes it grips me to the point that I think I will wash away with the tears.

My last four adoptions have not been babies, though they were what God had for us, His will, not mine. Before my 'three' joined us, we actually got down to #1 on our agency's waiting list, got the phone call for 2 infant boys and after prayer, realized that they were not ours. Again I had to pack up my dream, dismantle the newly painted crib and walk the path which God had for me. My youngest four needed a mama and papa, though they didn't come teeny-tiny...(God did send the boys in diapers..so I got to potty train ;-) -they became my babies,big babies mind you, but babies...however my heart still longs for a baby to hold and rock, to nurse, to burb, to wipe the spit-up off their cheek-I have a closet full of cloth diapers waiting. Can't explain it-don't think I will try.

Again, my Knight and I are on a new adventure (my husband terms it season), I hope God will answer my prayer for a baby. I know regardless that he will bind up my heartaches and hold me close. You see I know his plans for me are for my good, truly His desire is what I want- I need to surrender mine and trust him to lead me down paths of righteousness for his namesake. I am praying for strength, for sometimes my heart feels weak, I wonder how many more tears will fall and why. Sometimes the Why's don't get answered this side of heaven, I know that, but I keep asking Him.

Is. 54 :1-3 (though I recommend reading the entire chapter!)

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married (not barren),” says the Lord.
2“Enlarge the place of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.
http://www.blueletterbible.org

Hmm, time to enlarge myself (by the grace of God, of course). The Holy Spirit has been whispering it to me for months now..."Enlarge yourself, enlarge yourself." At first I was angry when I heard, "enlarge yourself"-it meant surrender, to which I thought I had. I thought my surrender was enough, but God is requiring more. I have surrendered the anger, confessed it to God and now I am ready to again release ~ not holding back, my life, my desires and trust in God's plan.

New surrender-for a new season, let's GO!

I covet your prayers, help me not be a "weanie" but a warrior for Him.

* (Doug your term 'weanie' has deeply influenced my life! ha!)

In His arms;

Kimmie