Sew fun

Scraps and rainbow thread

Moments of escape from the normal cycles of mommahood. Time to look around and see what can be created, something hopefully useful.

These were definitely needed, as I had thrown all our old potholders in the trash. The black and plaid potholder used to be a womans vest, the yellow potholder was just a wee scrap that caught my eye while looking through the piles or remnants at Joann's (a fabric store). The yellow one was a wee plain, so I embroidered a little heart, perhaps not practical in the world of potholders, but sweet to me none-the-less. Not perfect, but neither am I.

Potholders are a lot easier to get your mind around than adoption for me. Last night my Knight and I signed our new contract with our agency (All God's Children International), quite the stack of papers, as we had to sign out of our old contract with them for Guatemala, sigh. Hopefully next week we get to talk with our social worker Ray, who will be rewriting our homestudy for us so that it is properly worded for Ethiopia. Our agency told us back in December that it should take us about a month to get all our paperwork corrected and resubmitted, I hope that time line is right.

God has been speaking some things to my heart. He asked me to come to Him and ask him for something specific about our adoption. When He spoke it (I again was in my Hearing God bible study), tears again welled up in my eyes. I realized that I have a BIG fear lieing deep within me, a fear that really keeps me from trusting God. Because as He told me to ask Him, I told him it was too hard, I wasn't sure if I could trust Him for that. What if it didn't happen, what if it was just about doing it -my sorrow from 15 years of infertility made the tears run down my face and my head hang. I told Him I wanted to believe Him for it, but that I wasn't sure that I could open that up. Honestly, my Knight brought it up last night as we were signing the contract stack and I found myself weeping. He asked me what was going on and I couldn't even tell him. That is bad, a fear that is big enough to keep you from even being able to speak it out loud.

I am praying that He gives me the strenghh to share it with my Knight, last night I was just too exhausted to even open it up. So many years of crying, hoping, waiting, and having to wonder if the answer was always going to be "no." Praying hard against bitterness and trying to give God all of my heart, but holding back the last piece because I am just too afraid to give it to Him.

Fear is no good and I KNOW it is never from God, but as we know KNOWING and doing are two different things.