The Facts of My Life...chapter 2
Ready to share what chapter 2 of,
Friendships for Grown-ups
stirred in you?
In this chapter Lisa Whelchel does a quick review of her childhood and early friendship years. In her sharing, we are encouraged to take a look back, to see if there are circumstances that formed our foundations of friendship.
Some of the questions she gives us to ponder are...
*are there some dark memories from your childhood you feel led to share? (remember this is to help you open these areas to God's LOVE and Light...helping us to rid ourselves of dark shadows that begin to control and shape us.)
*is there something from your childhood that gave you unhealthy response patterns?
*what are your earliest childhood memories and what did they write on your heart?
*how would you define being transparent and being vulnerable in your own life?
*have you experienced the feeling of PLEXIGLASS relationships in your life?
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What spoke to me most in this chapter, and what I am currently wrestling with is from the last few paragraphs...something she quoted from Dr. Henry Cloud...
"You can move towards others, get socially involved, and have relationships,
but still feel isolated."
Me being very real...
Lately I fight back tears, constantly trying to keep it together; as I have realized that even among my closest friends (who I need to deepen my relationships with, as we have realized we have HIT a WALL in regards to our boundaries)...that I feel alone. In a group of many, I feel alone. Somehow, the connection that I am longing for is amiss, somehow my relationships are falling short. Some of this may be from various reasons, like 2 adoptions in 2 years, needing more time alone with my children for bonding purposes...but tell that to my heart!
My friends and I (those who I am closest to) have discussed it and we are trying to work on strengthening our weak areas. We each are digging deeper, but still I find myself with a very tender heart. Life is full, yes, but still I don't want to get to, *someday,* down the road, with regret from having gone through such a large portion of my life without the intimate friendships that my heart is so desperately longing for.
I think too that I would really like a mentor. Someone who loves God as passionately as I do, but can guide me along this path of faith, motherhood, marriage and life (is this too big of a wish?)
Eager to hear from you, please share as much as you are comfortable with...nothing will be as *rambling* because what you are feeling is important to me (and to God) and it is all about us working and praying together to overcome these walls that have surrounded our hearts and kept us from being the friend others need us to be in their lives...which allows them to be the friend we need in OUR lives!
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My earliest "friendship" memories go back to age four: saying good by to a little friend as we were moving, having my older brother abandon me for his older friends, and then moving to a new neighborhood where all the kids had been friends since birth. They wasted no time in taunting the new girl, writing things about me on a tree (I was too young to read but they told me what it said.) My whole life I have felt like from the moment I meet people that they don't like me! And when I reach out and finally make a close friend, boom, they move, or we move. I've retained friends from each phase of my life, but they are not nearby, and it is difficult to keep up with each other as we work, and deal with matters close at hand. My mom and dad were both very active in volunteering-church, scouts, you name it, and it seemed they were always heading out the door. The upshot: I also always feel like God and my family is looking past me to more compelling situations, with no time to just "hang around" with me. I've asked God to heal these imprints; the most I can report is that I've learned to be happy with whatever friendship level is offered, and to be my own best friend.
PS: A woman at our church who is married to a man in church leadership was just diagnoised with stage four cancer. They have two school age children of their own, and two years ago adopted an 8 year old girl from Russia. The woman shared with the church that during the last two years she felt totally alone (I was shocked: the leadership team is large and all have kids in the same age group.)
Once she reported her cancer, suddenly she had more friends than she knew what to do with, and declared that the feelings of being alone was a lie from Satan. I agree with her assessment, but it also troubles me that Christians so often act like ambulance chasers: Let there be a crisis and everyone wants to come over and be in the middle of the situation. I suspect it makes them feel important; when I had major surgery, suddenly people who had no interest in even going to a movie with me before wanted to come over for hours...when all I wanted to do was sleep. Upshot: If someone can not bother to be friend when I am healthy, I don't really want their friendship when I am sick and vulnerable. Oh and after I was all better, the same people were only interested in speaking with me if they could re-visit my sick time, and not move on to deep relationship.
*Dark Memories - I remember some times of rejection which led to feelings of "nobody really likes me if they have someone better to be with"....I've come to realize that's a lie!
*unhealthy response patterns...I tend to be very reserved. I often wish I could be more spontaneous and outgoing. And come away from situations thinking I responded badly...but that may be more personality as opposed to an unhealthy response pattern.
*early memories - playing with neighbor friends...good times!
*transparent & vulnerable...very hard for me....
*I'm glad for several great friends (some also family!) that I can call or email when I need them! Sometimes I have a hard time reaching out and admitting I need them though.
Chapter 2 really hit home with me. The Lord was showing me that I still have walls up. I let people get only so close and then the wall go up. I still don't let myself be as vulnerable as I need to be for fear of getting hurt. He also revealed to me several family and friend relationships from my childhood where the fear of intimacy began. I too feel lonely at times as a result of this. But, praise God that He is tearing down these walls and putting safe people in my life that I can be totally open with.
I remember friendships beginning to be really important to me when I was middle school age. I wanted to be liked by everyone and have lots of friends, and it almost felt like a competition within myself...As if I defined myself by how many people and who were my friends. In high school I remember feeling hurt often because a friend I felt close to moved on to other people(maybe I did, too... but it didn't fee like that then). And I admit I was a little jealous of the "popular" girls. I've always been shy, especially in groups, but easy to talk to one-on-one after getting to know me. I found out later that some people mistook my shyness for being "stuck up". There have been a few friends, especially through my college and early career phases, that I thought I would ALWAYS be close to, and it was hard to accept when our friendships faded. I found myself starting to protect myself by only expecting friendships to last a short time. I think I still do that to some extent. Maybe I'm really afraid that I'll get really intimate and then it will end. Despite that fear, I find myself still striving to find those special friends wherever I am in my life.
I seem to be happiest in my own company and I think comes about because up until the age of five we lived in a remote location so the only children was my sisiter who is two years younger than I. Going to school was a terrible shock that I never delt with properly. I'm sure everything stems from those first five years.
I definitely want to get this book - I realise that I have very few people who I allow to get too close to me.
I often feel alone - although I don't need many friends - I would love some who I could truely share my heart & life with & who understood.
God bless you Kimmie - thanks for sharing about this book & bravely opening up about your feelings.
I too would love a mentor - although I guess my Mum really is.
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