May 21, 2007

Bless the Lord, oh my soul

Not sure if this has ever happened to any of you, but maybe you can relate. Ever feel like the Lord told you to share something and you just can't figure out why. Well, this is one of those times, and in obedience I will embark to share my experience with you.

Last week my family headed for a mini vacation to Washington D.C. , we had a long car ride from home, so I had a lot of reading time and praying time, as my dear husband drove.

Now my last post was on our latest adoption journey to Guatemala-I left home feeling like perhaps it wasn't the "happy/excited" post that I wished it to be. I asked God why I was feeling so "numb" about this adoption and why there wasn't more excitement flowing out of my spirit, as there has been with all of my (our) past adoptions.

I think the Holy Spirit caught me by surprise, well it was very early in the morning, as he spoke to me the reason I was struggling emotionally with this newest "pregnancy". (An adoption is very much like a pregnancy, emotionally and spiritually speaking-there is the find out, the wait, the shop, the prepare, the dream, the hope, the envision...)

As the sun began to rise over my dashboard, God said to my heart that I had had a ,"miscarriage of the heart." He told me to count the time from beginning to end of our wait for our baby, (then a son) from Guatemala. I hesitated, as I had never heard it termed this way, but whispered over to my husband asking him when we had started our last adoption and when we had to put it on hold (all my children were still sleeping, as we headed out predawn to beat traffic through the city). He gave me the dates, which really I already knew and it confirmed that we had waited 10 months, which is indeed a very full pregnancy.

I have never been to my Dr. for an actual miscarriage, though I am pretty sure that I had several over the course of my 14 years of secondary infertility. God spared me the grief of knowing, just the infertility was enough for my heart to bear all those years. I am not sure why He is telling me this now, but I am hoping that someone will be blessed and that God will be glorified in my sharing this very personal revelation. I know the pain and loss of not being able to get pregnant, and I am hoping sharing this will bring Light and hope to someone else's heart.

Last spring, as we neared receiving the referral (match) call from our agency, we prepared the nursery, we repainted my husbands old crib, I bought tiny baby boys outfits, an electric breastpump, all the herbs needed to help with relactation, a load of cloth diapers, as I hoped to go natural with my baby boy... then I heard the Lord say, " These 3 children are your children," when I was just supposed to be doing respite for them for 10 days...

...well, I packed up all my hopes and desires and once again put them to the side.

The Lord knows my desires, he knows what is best for me and my family, he knows where each of my children are and when they need to come. My being on that list and my wait wasn't about me, it was about Him-it was about his plans for my future. You see I didn't know that I had triplets coming, I didn't know anything about their lives. I was told by foster care that they would never allow us anything but respite (babysitting). I had even talked to the commissioner of our states foster care system, as I really felt we were supposed to be given the priveledge of a dual license. Well, they said no, but God said, "wait and see."

So for those of you who are hurting, who aren't presently hearing from the Lord, know that he has plans for you-plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Trust him with your today and all of your tomorrows, I have experienced his faithfulness to me. Though I have experienced a "miscarriage of the heart," a loss that has left me slightly numb to thinking about the possibility of a baby to hold, yet will my soul praise him and put all of my hope in him.

Psalm 42:11

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

1 comment:

BethPie said...

I've felt (and blogged about) some of those "pregnancy parallels" relating to adoption.

I think your description of a miscarriage of the heart is quite poignant.

Isn't it amazing how procreating, parenting and even adopting are such vivid pictures of God's relationship to us? I really think that He's given us the gift of children so we can catch a glimpse (on some level) of His love for us. Thank you for sharing your insight/experience.

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