Jun 12, 2008

Infertility thoughts

Lately, as I have been preparing for speaking on June 28th, I have been thinking about the years of my life that have been infected (yes, not affected) by infertility. I also have realized that I have shared very little about this part of my life, honestly I am not sure why. Other than perhaps that it is hard to put words around, tears are easy, words can be difficult.

Since I was a newlywed, I have known that there was a great possibility that I was infertile due to a heart condition I was diagnosed with in my twenties. A big piece of information to chew on and to carry when you are 20 and just married. I am grateful that since I was 14 I have known that adoption was part of my life. It was at 14 that I heard God speak. I can't tell you if it was the audible voice of God, or the inaudible-audible voice of God within my heart...it was so real. But at 14, God asked me to adopt children.

The slight problem I had with this is that He allowed me to get pregnant once, out of the blue and totally unexpected. I adored pregnancy, though mine was shrouded with Fear, due to the fact that I had a heart condition, that I had been on serious heart medications and had slipped from my first trimester into my second, without knowing I was pregnant. I thought all the nausea was from the new heart meds and honestly I was on birth control pills too, as my cycles were so screwy. Who knew!

The battle of infertility began afresh after my daughters birth, as then they diagnosed me with secondary infertility, like being already diagnosed as infertile wasn't enough. I spent years trying to conceive, trying and failing, even with the help of fertility specialists, numerous surgeries and fertility drugs. Until I came unraveled and honestly thought I couldn't bear up under the emotional pressure any longer.

To the end of self is always good, a heap of tears is a place where God can come and minister to you. And He did. You see, the 'Fertility Seeking Days' were not God's plan for my life, those days were all about self and Fear. My doctors had told me if I didn't seek help, I'd never get pregnant again. I couldn't see beyond those words, beyond the fear of no control, BUT God could.

When I cried out to Him, He came, He forgave me and He opened the door to our first adoption. It happened within 4 days of me puddling on the floor and crying out to Him.

I have lived as a BARREN woman for so many years, but honestly God has made me fruitful. He has taken me from Barrenness and brought me to a place of abundance. He has spoken to me and brought me out of times when I was not only physically barren, but also spiritually barren. I am still infertile, my womb is closed, sometimes it aches and calls out to me. Those days are filled with tears, sometimes the devil kicks me hard and makes me think God has forgotten me. Of course it is a lie, he is a liar and only wants to destroy us.

My hope and strength are in God. And even if my womb remains barren, I refuse to accept spiritual barrenness, this I can control and I will seek Him. You see, I am desperate for Him, for without Him I am nothing.


Stephanie said...

I have been reading your blog for a while. I first found it while looking for information on adding to our family through adoption.

I'm sorry you've had to go through the pain of infertility. Thank you for sharing with such candor. I just want you to know that your strength and faith through such difficulty is inspiring. I don't know you except through what you write here, but I can see the reflection of our loving Father in your words and what you share of your life. May God bless you richly for your faithfulness and be your source of comfort in times of need.

HandsRaisedToHeaven said...

Thanks for sharing your heart, Kimmie. You are such an encouragement to me in this area.

The verse that comes to my mind is in Romans 8 that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him.

Praising God that He has shown you good and fruit through the hard times.

Renna said...

What an excellently written expression of what's in your heart, Kimmie.

Emily said...

In one of your last paragraphs, you made the word BARREN bold, yet the words God made me FRUITFUL were not. :) minor oversight? You are a fruitful woman in so many ways. Wow. many ways.

go make that bold.

Renata said...

Thanks for sharing this with us Kimmie - your struggles are so real & I cried along with you!! All I know is that God has used this for good - not just the wise encouragment you give us daily, but loving & teaching & caring for children- who may not be from your womb, but are definitely from your heart! You are such an amazing person & I am so thankful that I stumbled onto your blog.
And just a verse for you - Psalm 113:9 "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children" (NIV) - this makes me think of you!
What satan planned for weakness - God has used for strength!!
Renata :)

Shawnda said...

Oh dear sister, Kimmie! Thanks for sharing your heart! No doubt, the Lord has given you and I the best of both worlds. We've carried in the womb, felt our little one's kick, nursed, and given birth AND we've been graced with the great privilege of adopting children, a gift that goes without saying! God is using you, my friend, to speak of His faithfulness and kindness and provision!

I had no idea you have a heart problem. Is this still controlled by meds?

love you dearly, Kimmie!

Kimmie said...

Hi Shawnda;

Thank you for your kind words, I know it all to be true, but sometimes my aching womb gets the better of me.

The heart condition for the first time in my life- went into remission last year. They call it remission, I call it healing...God is good. I know He will use it for His Glory.

mama to 6
one homemade and 5 adopted

Letitia said...

I can certainly relate to where you are. I gave birth to 2 darlings, but could no longer conceive. We tried for a very long time and went on mild fertility pills. I went on the pills, and my cycle got even crazier. They said it was time for testing, etc., but James and I knew in our hearts that was not the road for us. We didn't know why yet, we just knew we had no peace about it. I grieved and grieved. But, when I quit trying so much and poured it out to God, soon afterwards is when He first spoke "adoption" to us. Like you, I still grieve sometimes, although at 43 (on Sun), I'm over hoping for a miracle. With my health and at this point in life, that miracle would require a whole lot of others!! : ) I am post "wanting" to concieve, yet, I sometimes still feel that longing in my heart and body.
Thanks for sharing.

The Passionate Housewife said...

Wow, What a beautiful post...this really touched me. I can't imagine what it must have been like all those years of trying...so painful.

I'm so happy you have been blessed so abundantly with all of these beautiful children, God had a plan for them all a long and here they are with the mother that they deserve.

I'll be back, I've enjoyed reading through your posts.
Thanks for visiting mine and yes it took, I think, 8 tonnes of sand to fill that box. But, boy my little ones love it.

Kara said...

Thank you, as always, for writing so honestly and beautifully ... our paths are not exactly the same, but (and I'm not sure you knew this) we struggled with secondary infertility for three years waiting for Max ... and what a suprise it was to find out Lucy was on the way! So much of what you wrote I found myself nodding my head along with as I was reading. Thank God for having better plans than our, eh?

Best Wishes, sweet mama!

Jenni said...

What beautiful, true thoughts, Kimmie. Your last paragraph, especially, is a challenge and encouragement to me.

Sondra said...

Kimmie, what great expressive words! I, myself cannot imagine or begin to understand your pain of infertility. I have some friends who deal with this too and I know how difficult it must be. I know that your faith is strong and God knows what is best. I am sure you hear that often but I am at a loss for words....
My blogger friend Crystal is dealing with great sadness due to her infertility. Also, Diane has a wonderful bunch of kids that she has adopted. You should stop by and visit them when you get a chance. (Links on my blog)

HouseOfSmooches said...

God will make the barren woman laugh! Thank you for sharing your heart.

Michelle said...

I love your heart for God, Kimmie. You brought me to tears this morning.

I wish I could be there to hear you speak. I suspect you will have your audience wanting to be on their knees. (That's how I often feel when I read your posts!)

Bobbie-Jo said...

Thank-you for writing so openly about God's grace in your life. What is bad, and where we went wrong, God can turn around. I know you will bless others with your soft, sweet words of encouragement when you speak. If you have taught me one thing over the last months, it is that our God not only can, He does.

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