Infertility thoughts

Lately, as I have been preparing for speaking on June 28th, I have been thinking about the years of my life that have been infected (yes, not affected) by infertility. I also have realized that I have shared very little about this part of my life, honestly I am not sure why. Other than perhaps that it is hard to put words around, tears are easy, words can be difficult.

Since I was a newlywed, I have known that there was a great possibility that I was infertile due to a heart condition I was diagnosed with in my twenties. A big piece of information to chew on and to carry when you are 20 and just married. I am grateful that since I was 14 I have known that adoption was part of my life. It was at 14 that I heard God speak. I can't tell you if it was the audible voice of God, or the inaudible-audible voice of God within my heart...it was so real. But at 14, God asked me to adopt children.

The slight problem I had with this is that He allowed me to get pregnant once, out of the blue and totally unexpected. I adored pregnancy, though mine was shrouded with Fear, due to the fact that I had a heart condition, that I had been on serious heart medications and had slipped from my first trimester into my second, without knowing I was pregnant. I thought all the nausea was from the new heart meds and honestly I was on birth control pills too, as my cycles were so screwy. Who knew!

The battle of infertility began afresh after my daughters birth, as then they diagnosed me with secondary infertility, like being already diagnosed as infertile wasn't enough. I spent years trying to conceive, trying and failing, even with the help of fertility specialists, numerous surgeries and fertility drugs. Until I came unraveled and honestly thought I couldn't bear up under the emotional pressure any longer.

To the end of self is always good, a heap of tears is a place where God can come and minister to you. And He did. You see, the 'Fertility Seeking Days' were not God's plan for my life, those days were all about self and Fear. My doctors had told me if I didn't seek help, I'd never get pregnant again. I couldn't see beyond those words, beyond the fear of no control, BUT God could.

When I cried out to Him, He came, He forgave me and He opened the door to our first adoption. It happened within 4 days of me puddling on the floor and crying out to Him.

I have lived as a BARREN woman for so many years, but honestly God has made me fruitful. He has taken me from Barrenness and brought me to a place of abundance. He has spoken to me and brought me out of times when I was not only physically barren, but also spiritually barren. I am still infertile, my womb is closed, sometimes it aches and calls out to me. Those days are filled with tears, sometimes the devil kicks me hard and makes me think God has forgotten me. Of course it is a lie, he is a liar and only wants to destroy us.

My hope and strength are in God. And even if my womb remains barren, I refuse to accept spiritual barrenness, this I can control and I will seek Him. You see, I am desperate for Him, for without Him I am nothing.